Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
A young man has been experiencing pains in his abdomen so goes to visit his GP. After some tests the doctor says, I've got your results back and there's good news and bad news.

Ok doc, give me the bad news first. The doc says I'm afraid you have an inoperable tumor in your bowel. It's terminal and you have around 3 years to live.

Cripes, doc, and the good news?

You also have Alzheimer's.

-= 2 =-
Speaking of Arizona, I never mesa butte I didn't like.

-= 3 =-
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
Yup, he pasta way.
We cannoli do so much
His legacy will become a pizza history.
He simply ran out of thyme.
I know, I know... too cheesy!

-= 4 =-
Funny flight attendant
https://youtu.be/1AE_hjOLDtU

-= 5 =-
1963 Camp Granada Song--Allan Shermam
https://youtu.be/4yFTOvO0utY

-= 6 =-
A 10-year-old girl asked her mother, "Mommy, how was I born?"

The mother smiled and replied, "Once upon a time me and your daddy decided to plant a wonderfruyl little seed. Daddy put it in the Earth and I took care of it ever single day.

After a while, the seed begabn t o grow more & more leaves and in a few months it turned into a beautifo healthy plant.

So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high we forgot to wear a condom.

-= 7 =-
One rainy Halloween in an introvert's home:

Friend1: What is that around your ankle?
Friend2: A house arrest bracelet.
F1: OMG! Why? What did you do?
F2: Nothing. It's fake.
F1: Why on earth would you wear a fake house arrest ankle bracelet?
F2: Ask me if I want to go to a party tonight?
F1: Umm, okayyy. Wanna go to a party tonight?
F2: Can't. *points to ankle*

-= 8 =-
~# via Facebook #~
[InspireU] Portering Troubles

I love this reminder from Elizabeth Gilbert:
ôSome years ago, I was stuck on a crosstown bus in New York City during rush hour. Traffic was barely moving. The bus was filled with cold, tired people who were deeply irritated with one another, with the world itself. Two men barked at each other about a shove that might or might not have been intentional. A pregnant woman got on, and nobody offered her a seat. Rage was in the air; no mercy would be found here.
But as the bus approached Seventh Avenue, the driver got on the intercom."Folks," he said, "I know you have had a rough day and you are frustrated. I canÆt do anything about the weather or traffic, but here is what I can do. As each one of you gets off the bus, I will reach out my hand to you. As you walk by, drop your troubles into the palm of my hand, okay? DonÆt take your problems home to your families tonight, just leave them with me. My route goes right by the Hudson River, and when I drive by there later, I will open the window and throw your troubles in the water."
It was as if a spell had lifted. Everyone burst out laughing. Faces gleamed with surprised delight. People who had been pretending for the past hour not to notice each otherÆs existence were suddenly grinning at each other like, is this guy serious?
Oh, he was serious.
At the next stop, just as promised, the driver reached out his hand, palm up, and waited. One by one, all the exiting commuters placed their hand just above his and mimed the gesture of dropping something into his palm. Some people laughed as they did this, some teared up but everyone did it. The driver repeated the same lovely ritual at the next stop, too. And the next. All the way to the river.
We live in a hard world, my friends. Sometimes it is extra difficult to be a human being. Sometimes you have a bad day. Sometimes you have a bad day that lasts for several years. You struggle and fail. You lose jobs, money, friends, faith, and love. You witness horrible events unfolding in the news, and you become fearful and withdrawn. There are times when everything seems cloaked in darkness. You long for the light but donÆt know where to find it.
But what if you are the light? What if you are the very agent of illumination that a dark situation begs for?. ThatÆs what this bus driver taught me, that anyone can be the light, at any moment. This guy wasnÆt some big power player. He wasnÆt a spiritual leader. He wasnÆt some media-savvy influencer. He was a bus driver, one of societyÆs most invisible workers. But he possessed real power, and he used it beautifully for our benefit.
When life feels especially grim, or when I feel particularly powerless in the face of the worldÆs troubles, I think of this man and ask myself, What can I do, right now, to be the light? Of course, I canÆt personally end all wars, or solve global warming, or transform vexing people into entirely different creatures. I definitely canÆt control traffic. But I do have some influence on everyone I brush up against, even if we never speak or learn each otherÆs name. "No matter who you are, or where you are, or how mundane or tough your situation may seem, I believe you can illuminate your world. In fact, I believe this is the only way the world will ever be illuminated, one bright act of grace at a time, all the way to the river."~~
~ Elizabeth Gilbert

-= 9 =-
Allan Sherman's "Dad Hates the Beatles"

https://youtu.be/Jj-2Tcuzy0I

Where were you in this Beatles vs parent equation, in 1964 & onwards?

-= 10 =-
If you haven't experienced the family safe humour & music of Tim Hawkins yet, do as I did, & hunt up ALL his amazing songs!
Here's a nice sampling:
https://youtu.be/yTrXAtIdrBY

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00
cancelation fee! ;)

A dime is a dollar with all the taxes taken out.

-= 1 =-
A young man has been experiencing pains in his abdomen so goes to visit his GP. After some tests the doctor says, I've got your results back
and there's good news and bad news.

Ok doc, give me the bad news first. The doc says I'm afraid you have an inoperable tumor in your bowel. It's terminal and you have around 3
years to live.

Cripes, doc, and the good news?

You also have Alzheimer's.

I like the one where these 2 Christians are die-hard baseball fans. They wonder if there is baseball in Heaven...so they figure whichever one dies first, they'd somehow get the word back to the one left behind.

A few months later, one of them dies...but it's several weeks before he
hears from his departed friend. He asked "What can you tell me??". His
friend said "I've got good news, and I've got bad news".

He said "Give me the good news first". He said there are gold bases, diamonds, everything, and no worry about getting your uniforms dirty.
Plus, the concession stands have every holsum food and drink you could
ever want".

His friend replied "Well, that is good news. But, there can't be any
bad news in Heaven"...to which he was told "they're going to call you
to the bullpen in 30 seconds". <G>

-= 2 =-
Speaking of Arizona, I never mesa butte I didn't like.

It's more like arid zone-a in the dry heat.

-= 3 =-
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died?
Yup, he pasta way.
We cannoli do so much
His legacy will become a pizza history.
He simply ran out of thyme.
I know, I know... too cheesy!

Hey, macaroni. <G>

-= 4 =-
Funny flight attendant
https://youtu.be/1AE_hjOLDtU

The ones for Southwest Airlines are an absolute scream. When
I traveled, I preferred the train...but if I had to fly, I went
Southwest Airlines.

-= 5 =-
1963 Camp Granada Song--Allan Shermam
https://youtu.be/4yFTOvO0utY

Hello to your parents. :P

-= 6 =-
A 10-year-old girl asked her mother, "Mommy, how was I born?"

The mother smiled and replied, "Once upon a time me and your daddy
decided to plant a wonderfruyl little seed. Daddy put it in the Earth
and I took care of it ever single day.

After a while, the seed begabn t o grow more & more leaves and in a few months it turned into a beautifo healthy plant.

So we took the plant, dried it, smoked it, and got so high we forgot to wear a condom.

Would a puny prophylactic be known as a condom-minimum?? <G>

-= 7 =-
One rainy Halloween in an introvert's home:

Friend1: What is that around your ankle?
Friend2: A house arrest bracelet.
F1: OMG! Why? What did you do?
F2: Nothing. It's fake.
F1: Why on earth would you wear a fake house arrest ankle bracelet?
F2: Ask me if I want to go to a party tonight?
F1: Umm, okayyy. Wanna go to a party tonight?
F2: Can't. *points to ankle*

Was he blonde??

-= 8 =-
~# via Facebook #~
[InspireU] Portering Troubles

I love this reminder from Elizabeth Gilbert:

That was nice.

-= 9 =-
Allan Sherman's "Dad Hates the Beatles"

https://youtu.be/Jj-2Tcuzy0I

Ringo wasn't the Starr. <G>

Where were you in this Beatles vs parent equation, in 1964 & onwards?

I had a 45 RPM record years ago called "Beatlemania" with several
clips of their songs, worked together in an interview.

-= 10 =-
If you haven't experienced the family safe humour & music of Tim
Hawkins yet, do as I did, & hunt up ALL his amazing songs!
Here's a nice sampling:
https://youtu.be/yTrXAtIdrBY

I'm too tired to do so tonight. I just finished the ham radio traffic nets...my eyes are burning...and my legs are cramping. So, as soon as I
finish this QWK packet, I'm going to try to get some sleep.

Daryl

... Never marry a tennis player; to them, love means nothing.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

-= 2 =-
Speaking of Arizona, I never mesa butte I didn't like.

It's more like arid zone-a in the dry heat.

The American Evangelical Missionis Society board was meeting & complaining how they've planted a church in every state except Arizona.

They sent a deacon to go find out why it was so difficult.

He reported back two months later, "Well, gentlemen; in t he winter it's so beautiful, Heaven holds no apeal, & in the summer, it's so hot, Hell holds no fear."

If you haven't experienced the family safe humour & music of Tim Hawkins yet, do as I did, & hunt up ALL his amazing songs!
Here's a nice sampling:
https://youtu.be/yTrXAtIdrBY

I'm too tired to do so tonight. I just finished the ham radio traffic nets...my eyes are burning...and my legs are cramping. So, as soon as I finish this QWK packet, I'm going to try to get some sleep.

Priorties, mate; Well, done!

I bet he'll be your new favouritie in no time. . .

Q: Why doesn't Arizona advertise?
A: Because at 99ó for a 24oz can the product sells itself!

Arizona: I love you Dad
Dad: I love you Tucson.

Q: WhatÆs the capital of Arizona?
A: A

I did an essay about Arizona and the Grand Canyon.
My teacher only wanted the cliff notes though.

Did you hear about the clown who lived in the desert?
He had a dry sense of humor.

After my girlfriend posted a picture of us at a Meteor Crater..
(Me) "You spelled meteor wrong."
(Her) "Did I really?"
(Me) "Just joking, you spelled meteorite. "

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
Fun fact for those going hiking in Bear Country
If itÆs brown lie down (play dead)
If itÆs black, fight back (self-explanatory)
If itÆs white, goodnight (YouÆre cooked)
Fun Advice: don't. Watch them on NatGeo instead.

-= 2 =-
from the quotables:

"New research finds that people who are bullies are more likely to get plastic surgery. Unfortunately, the nerds they bullied are more likely to be plastic surgeons. 'Well, well, well, look who we have here!'" -Jimmy Fallon

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey

"One of the winners of this year's Scripps National Spelling Bee has an older brother who won the competition in 2014. Or as their dad put it, 'I'm just going to throw these baseball mitts away.'" -Jimmy Fallon

"Just in time for Mother's Day, Dove is selling body wash in six different bottles, to represent the different shapes of women's bodies. Yep, it's being called the perfect gift if you want to offend your mom." -Jimmy Fallon

-= 3 =-
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in the end of it? Death. What's that...a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

(1) You should die first, you know, start out dead, get it out of the way. You wake up in a an old age home, feeling better every day.

(2) You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

(3) You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, play golf, you're generally promiscuous (hey, you've only got a few years left, what's the big deal?!?) and you get ready for High School.

(4) Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, and, finally, you become a baby;

(5) The last step, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, then you finish off as an orgasm!

-= 4 =-
Two buddies were getting dressed in the locker room after a workout, when the first man saw something that give him a bit of a shock.

"How long have you been wearing that bra?" the man asked his friend.

The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

-= 5 =-
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' you get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.

-= 6 =-
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally grabbed a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

-= 7 =-
Q. What is the definition of Blood, Sweat and Tears?

A. A blonde on her period standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent quarter.

-= 8 =-
I was in a pub last Saturday night, and after drinking a few I noticed two very robust-looking women at the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"

One of them snapped back, saying, "It's Wales, you idiot!"

I immediately apologized. "I'm sorry," I said, "are you two whales from Ireland?"

-= 9 =-
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build you a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over twenty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"So what is it going to be?" asks the doctor.

The man says, "We're getting new granite counter tops."

-= 10 =-
When our ship stopped in the Atlantic Ocean for a 'swim call,' the chief boatswain noticed how nervous I was. "Don't worry," he assured me. "You are never more than three miles from land." Then he added, "Straight down."

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

You asked for it. <G>

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00
cancelation fee! ;)

It'd have to come in an IOU on a wooden nickel. <G>

-= 1 =-

Fun Advice: don't. Watch them on NatGeo instead.

One bearly can get out of a grizzly situation. <G>

-= 2 =-

from the quotables:

"New research finds that people who are bullies are more likely to get plastic surgery. Unfortunately, the nerds they bullied are more likely
to be plastic surgeons. 'Well, well, well, look who we have here!'"
-Jimmy Fallon

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group
for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey

The Bar Exam: How much tequila you can drink before you hit the floor.

'I'm just going to throw these baseball mitts away.'" -Jimmy Fallon

I wonder if he can catch that spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E.

Yep, it's being called the perfect gift if you want to offend your
mom." -Jimmy Fallon

Not to mention the aromatic scents with them. :P

-= 3 =-

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get in the end of
it? Death. What's that...a bonus? I think the life cycle is all
backwards.

Practically...and you end up being sexy. <G>

-= 4 =-

"How long have you been wearing that bra?" the man asked his friend.

The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

At least he didn't have the panties on as well. <G>

-= 5 =-

I'm still looking for a place to live.

He could've been making a one time visit to the funeral parlor. <G>

-= 6 =-

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally grabbed a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

Hairy had a little lot...it was white as snow. <G>

-= 7 =-

A. A blonde on her period standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent quarter.

Practically. However, I saw a sign that noted this:

Menstrual Cramps, Menopause, Mental Illness.

Ever notice how all of our problems begin with MEN??

(that was for the ladies <G>).

-= 8 =-

I immediately apologized. "I'm sorry," I said, "are you two whales from Ireland?"

According to Walter (Jeff Dunham's dummy), it's legal to whale hunt in Iceland. <G>

-= 9 =-

The man says, "We're getting new granite counter tops."

Never take anything for granite. <G>

-= 10 =-

"Straight down."

Be sure to visit Davy Jones Locker for some good deals. <G>

Daryl

... Don't lend people money. It causes amnesia.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

George,

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

You asked for it. <G>

Fair dinkum, mate.

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

It'd have to come in an IOU on a wooden nickel. <G>

No idea where that expression began -- I'd say don't take a wooden cent or dime, too,. for that matter! Wooden dollars are okay, as paper money comes from. . wood! (mostly linen(flax), actually)

"New research finds that people who are bullies are more likely to get plastic surgery. Unfortunately, the nerds they bullied are more likely to be plastic surgeons. 'Well, well, well, look who we have here!'" -Jimmy Fallon

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

or "scold" as the bullies are being schooled?

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -Drew Carey

The Bar Exam: How much tequila you can drink before you hit the floor.

1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor.

"How long have you been wearing that bra?" the man asked his friend. The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

At least he didn't have the panties on as well. <G>

How do you know? & why are all these women leaving their underbritches behind, anyway?! If I'm undressed somewhere (e.g. pool), I certainly get redressed the same as I usually do -- with all compnents I started the day with, in their usual place. I've never arrived home after a day at the pool or beach, looking for my missing underwear!

But maybe the tramp in above story was marking territory?

According to Walter (Jeff Dunham's dummy), it's legal to whale hunt in Iceland. <G>

I'm guessing he was explaining why je wanted to take his wife on a vacation to Iceland?

The man says, "We're getting new granite counter tops."

Never take anything for granite. <G>

I pacifically axed you not to use that pun, I'm sure. . .

... Don't lend people money. It causes amnesia.

If you lend somebody $20 & then never see them again, it was worth it.


My love for my wife is like the national debt.
It's enormous. It seems likes it's been around forever. It is growing every day. It's something that will be passed onto our children and grandchildren.

My friend gets in debt and offers to work it off by redoing peoples' kitchens but I wouldn't accept his counter offer.
(I never accept money from a counter fitter.)

Someone recently told me being $30,000 dollars in credit card debt was a bad thing.
If it is such a bad thing, why does my bank statement say "outstanding balance" below it?

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

George,

You asked for it. <G>

Fair dinkum, mate.

I've got your fair dinkum right here. <G>

No idea where that expression began -- I'd say don't take a wooden
cent or dime, too,. for that matter! Wooden dollars are okay, as paper money comes from. . wood! (mostly linen(flax), actually)

And, notice that doesn't apply to any other coinage??

or "scold" as the bullies are being schooled?

I'm sometimes wonder if the panhandlers are being schooled on how to
beg at the traffic lights. I've seen them go off the corner, get into
a fancy car (i.e. a Lexus), and drive off. I've heard of them pulling
a gun on drivers, and they throw food on the ground. What they want is
money for drugs and alcoholic beverages, if not sex with the hookers.

1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor.

How many rounds of Jose Cuervo?? -- as the song goes.

At least he didn't have the panties on as well. <G>

How do you know? & why are all these women leaving their underbritches behind, anyway?! If I'm undressed somewhere (e.g. pool), I certainly
get redressed the same as I usually do -- with all compnents I started
the day with, in their usual place. I've never arrived home after a day
at the pool or beach, looking for my missing underwear!

For me and my late wife, it was like the country song "I've got all the
love a man could want, waiting for me at home". Now, if a member of the opposite sex gave us a hug or a kiss, we'd razz the crap out of each
other. <G>

I'm guessing he was explaining why je wanted to take his wife on a vacation to Iceland?

Walter said they visited the volcanoes, and his wife kept saying to
him "Stop trying to push me in!!". <G>

I pacifically axed you not to use that pun, I'm sure. . .

I've slept since then.

If you lend somebody $20 & then never see them again, it was worth it.

I'm so broke I can't pay attention.

My love for my wife is like the national debt.
It's enormous. It seems likes it's been around forever. It is growing every day. It's something that will be passed onto our children and grandchildren.

But, this is more beneficial. :)

My friend gets in debt and offers to work it off by redoing peoples' kitchens but I wouldn't accept his counter offer.
(I never accept money from a counter fitter.)

It was a phony job, anyway.

Someone recently told me being $30,000 dollars in credit card debt was
a bad thing.
If it is such a bad thing, why does my bank statement say "outstanding balance" below it?

Exactly.

Daryl

... She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

Fair dinkum, mate.

I've got your fair dinkum right here. <G>

I'm not sure what dinkum is Latin for, but it must be reasonable. . .

No idea where that expression began -- I'd say don't take a wooden cent or dime, too,. for that matter! Wooden dollars are okay, as paper money comes from. . wood! (mostly linen(flax), actually)

And, notice that doesn't apply to any other coinage??

Kind of what I just said, mate! ;) I know, I now, you've slept since then!

I'm sometimes wonder if the panhandlers are being schooled on how to
beg at the traffic lights. I've seen them go off the corner, get into
a fancy car (i.e. a Lexus), and drive off. I've heard of them pulling
a gun on drivers, and they throw food on the ground. What they want is
money for drugs and alcoholic beverages, if not sex with the hookers.

Never assume, unless it is beneficially.

Most are just hungry, & have heard of this as a way of getting some extra money to buy food.

I used to be homeless & had to resort to panhandling on occasion (to avoid stealing)

In spite of what y'all were assuming, I was not seeking money for drugs, booze, or hookers. (I was offered a free hooker once, from a pimp who grew up near where I did, but I said no thanks.)

I was more hobo than bum -- traveled, willing to work anywhere at 'most anything in exchange for room, board, &/or currency of the realm.

I bummed rides, sure, cuz it was safer than hoping a grain train. . .

But I paid for my ride by helping keep the drivers awake through some or all of 2,000 miles of empty boring prairie. . . & I had some cassettes with good music which was a joy to those with limited supply of tapes in the car & terrible radio reception.

Of course, some old men in cadillacs wanted more 'personal' forms of payment. If the ruide was dependent on such, I got out there, otherwise, I said no thanks & rode in silence to my destination, beside an old perv willing(eager) to hit on a teenage kid who looked like he was 12 years old!

As they grew into the majority(*sigh*) of those stopping to pick me up, I began seeking new ways to get rides going long distances.

whoops, wrong echo. . .jokes & funnies. . . hmm. . .hobo. . .

1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor.

How many rounds of Jose Cuervo?? -- as the song goes.

All of them; I ain't no quitter!

For me and my late wife, it was like the country song "I've got all the love a man could want, waiting for me at home". Now, if a member of the opposite sex gave us a hug or a kiss, we'd razz the crap out of each
other. <G>

Sounds like how it'd go with mine & me. . . :D

I'm guessing he was explaining why je wanted to take his wife on a vacation to Iceland?

Walter said they visited the volcanoes, and his wife kept saying to
him "Stop trying to push me in!!". <G>

My thoery is the male leaders of a tribe ca,e up with that virgin into a volcano thing to help get nubile girls to willingly 'give it up'

mayor's son: Hey, Bethany, I heard you were going to be selected to be this year's sacrifice tot yhe volcano gods. I can guarantee that you won't be the one they toss into the burning fire & brimstone. . . but it requires a bit of sacrifice on your part, in gratitude, to me. . .

I pacifically axed you not to use that pun, I'm sure. . .

I've slept since then.

That's how it works for me, too, but I've never thought of saying so out loud. I'm going to start, though!

If you lend somebody $20 & then never see them again, it was worth it.

I'm so broke I can't pay attention.

I always say that,m sometimes.

You took the words right out of mny mouth. . . how unsanitary!
(both those one liners from Archie comics I read in the late 1070s)

Back to hobos:

I invented a bouncing platform to help obese hobos lose weight.
I call it a Tramp o' Lean

Q: What do you call two hobos hitting each other with cardboard?
A: Pillow fight

If witches, drunks, and hobos show up at my doorstep, I can only assume itÆs Halloween.
Because our family reunion was in April.

Did you hear about the fight between the two hobos yesterday? One bit off the other's nose!
What a senseless, scentless, centless act of violence.

Q: What is the difference between a businessman on a bike and hobo on a tricycle?
A: a tire / attire.

Some whales just started a music group
Its called the orchestra.

Ladies and gentleman, Hoboes and tramps, Cross-eyed beetles, And bow-legged ants. Pull up a seat, And sit on the floor.

I'm going to tell you a story I know nothing about.

One dark day, In the middle of the night. Two dead boys, They stood up to fight.

Back to back They faced each other. Drew their swords, And shot each other. The deaf policeman heard it all, She came to shoot those two dead boys.

Don't believe this lie is true? Go ahead, ask the blind man. He saw it, too.

Your friend,

<+]:{)}
Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Linux
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757.2)

and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10.00 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20.00, I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've had in 20 years."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20.00 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man.

"Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair!"

-= 4 =-
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

-= 5 =-
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Pish off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

-= 6 =-
A Swiss guy in New York is looking for directions, so he pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

-= 7 =-
~#~ from my good mate, the ICE-Man:

Arctic Ice Report:
(Washington Post November '22)

The Arctic Ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer and in some places the seals are finding the water too hot, according to a report to the Commerce Department from Consulate, at Bergen, Norway.

Reports from fishermen, seal hunters and explorers all point to a radical change in climate conditions and hitherto unheard-of temperatures in the Arctic zone.
Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met as far north as 81 degrees 29 minutes. Soundings to a depth of 3,100 meters showed the gulf stream still very warm. Great masses of ice have been replaced by moraines of earth and stones, the report continued, while at many points well known glaciers have entirely disappeared. Very few seals and no white fish are found in the eastern Arctic, while vast shoals of herring and smelts which have never before ventured so far north, are being encountered in the old seal fishing grounds. Within a few years it is predicted that due to the ice melt the sea will rise and make most coastal cities uninhabitable.
********************
I must apologize. I neglected to mention that this report was from November 2, 1922, as reported by the AP and published in The Washington Post -- 99 years ago. Alarmist global warning even back then.


No doubt caused by Model T Ford emissions. [yeah, ALL those cars: 111.53 per 1,000 people; now 816/1K, & the Antarctic & its penhuins are stil there & still cold; funny, that!]

-= 8 =-
the NFL players are "taking a knee" as ifd they invented the concept.

Think about it: the first athlete to take a knee was Tanya Harding! (~#~adapted from a Sid Davis joke)

-= 9 =-

In a recent magazine poll, readers established "waka" as the proper pronunciation for the angle-bracket characters < or >. The following poem appeared recently in the magazine.

The text of the poem follows:

< > ! * ' ' #
^ " ` $ $ -
! * = @ $ _
% * < > ~ # 4
& [ ] . . /
| { , , SYSTEM HALTED

The poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, as such:

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash, Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, Percent splat waka waka tilde number four, Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash, Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH!

-= 10 =-
Jews & Irish people -- not really that different. . .

Both take their religion of birth either seriously or not at all.

There's one day a year that Jews do not eat, it's called Yom Kippur.

The Irish have this, too, it's called Saint Patrick's Day!

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Trying this again. . .

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by
yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I
won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

If you're cold &/or depressed, enjoy some free laughs. . .

-= 1 =-
After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks a little odd, so she decides to do a
DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.

Husband: Well, don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital that night, you
saw the baby had pooped his diaper. Then you said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for
you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the messy one there.

-= 2 =-
This issue's quotable quoters:

"A man set a new world record after kicking himself in the head 134 times in one minute. He
broke the previous record of zero." -Conan O'Brien

"A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is bad for you, after
earlier research indicated that sitting for too long at work is bad for you. So really the only
thing we know is, work is bad for you." -Jimmy Fallon

[I've been saying this next one for years, but HE gets the credit?!]

"The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you can't ignore it, top it; if you
can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved." --Russell Lynes

A new report says 60 percent of teenagers don't have even a basic knowledge of finances.
Although in fairness, I'm 38 and I just found out this year that a 401(k) is NOT a type of
marathon." -Jimmy Fallon

"Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk claims he has gotten verbal approval to connect New York,
Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Washington with a high-speed train that runs in an airless tube.
While the New York City subway just introduced brand-new rotary phones."
-Seth Meyers

"Scientists believe the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals. This is the oldest
evidence yet of beer goggles." -Conan O'Brien

"Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to
burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should
save it for someone you love." -Butch Hancock

"You know those little robot vacuums called Roombas? The company that makes them says
that Roombas have the capability to map out your home while they clean it, and it's planning
to sell that information to Amazon and Google. We all thought that the Roomba was just
vacuuming; turns out it was casing the joint." -James Corden

"This was a little controversial: Pope Francis recently said that the majority of modern
Catholic marriages are worthless because couples don't always mean it when they say
they'll love each other forever. And that's the last time Pope Francis was ever asked to give
a best man speech." -Jimmy Fallon

"A new article states that millennials have terrible conversational skills. When asked for
comment, millennials texted a series of crying frowny faces." -Conan O'Brien

-= 3 =-
Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were alone in the lounge of their nursing home
one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're
wanting. For $5.00 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10.00 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but
for $20.00, I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most
romantic evening you've had in 20 years."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, starts digging down in her
purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20.00 bill and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man.

"Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair!"

-= 4 =-
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

-= 5 =-
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of
rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!"
shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think
they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Pish off, ya fookin' little
wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite
innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

-= 6 =-
A Swiss guy in New York is looking for directions, so he pulls up at a bus stop where two
Americans are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Americans just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?" No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and
says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

-= 7 =-
~#~ from my good mate, the ICE-Man:

Arctic Ice Report:
(Washington Post November '22)

The Arctic Ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer and in some places the
seals are finding the water too hot, according to a report to the Commerce Department from
Consulate, at Bergen, Norway.

Reports from fishermen, seal hunters and explorers all point to a radical change in climate
conditions and hitherto unheard-of temperatures in the Arctic zone. Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met as far north as 81
degrees 29 minutes. Soundings to a depth of 3,100 meters showed the gulf stream still very
warm. Great masses of ice have been replaced by moraines of earth and stones, the report
continued, while at many points well known glaciers have entirely disappeared. Very few
seals and no white fish are found in the eastern Arctic, while vast shoals of herring and
smelts which have never before ventured so far north, are being encountered in the old seal
fishing grounds. Within a few years it is predicted that due to the ice melt the sea will rise
and make most coastal cities uninhabitable.
********************
I must apologize. I neglected to mention that this report was from November 2, 1922, as
reported by the AP and published in The Washington Post -- 99 years ago. Alarmist global
warning even back then.


No doubt caused by Model T Ford emissions. [yeah, ALL those cars: 111.53 per 1,000 people; now 816/1K, & the Antarctic & its penhuins
are stil there & still cold; funny, that!]

-= 8 =-
the NFL players are "taking a knee" as ifd they invented the concept.

Think about it: the first athlete to take a knee was Tanya Harding! (~#~adapted from a Sid
Davis joke)

-= 9 =-

In a recent magazine poll, readers established "waka" as the proper pronunciation for the
angle-bracket characters < or >. The following poem appeared recently in the magazine.

The text of the poem follows:

< > ! * ' ' #
^ " ` $ $ -
! * = @ $ _
% * < > ~ # 4
& [ ] . . /
| { , , SYSTEM HALTED

The poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, as such:

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash, Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, Percent splat waka waka tilde number four, Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash, Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH!

-= 10 =-
Jews & Irish people -- not really that different. . .

Both take their religion of birth either seriously or not at all.

There's one day a year that Jews do not eat, it's called Yom Kippur.

The Irish have this, too, it's called Saint Patrick's Day!

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

Trying this again. . .

If at first, you don't succeed...try, try again.

Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. -- W.C. Fields <G>

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00
cancelation fee! ;)

$19?? What about depreciation?? Shouldn't it be 19 cents?? <g,d,r>

Husband: Well, don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital
that night, you saw the baby had pooped his diaper. Then you said:
Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. So I went inside,
got a clean one and left the messy one there.

Sounds like the one that Yakov Smirnoff told. He noted this "baby
changing table" in the bathroom...so he said "you get to change the
baby for another one"...then he added "I'll bet you never look at it
that way". And of course, the whole room was roaring in laughter. <G>

This issue's quotable quoters:

"A man set a new world record after kicking himself in the head 134
times in one minute. He broke the previous record of zero." -Conan
O'Brien

Sounds like Denny Crum, one time Louisville basketball coach, who said something like "Our future lies ahead". What was your first clue?? :P

"A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long
at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, work is
bad for you." -Jimmy Fallon

Work is also a nasty 4 letter word.

[I've been saying this next one for years, but HE gets the credit?!]

And, he's getting paid more money than you are.

"The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you
can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved." --Russell Lynes

Just like the celebrity roasts...you can find a lot of those on YouTube.

A new report says 60 percent of teenagers don't have even a basic knowledge of finances. Although in fairness, I'm 38 and I just found
out this year that a 401(k) is NOT a type of marathon." -Jimmy Fallon

[eye roll].

"Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk claims he has gotten verbal approval to connect New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Washington with a high-speed train that runs in an airless tube. While the New York City subway just introduced brand-new rotary phones." -Seth Meyers

I saw where the 3G phone networks will be shutting down soon...and that eventually, they'll do the same to 4G, to try to get (force) folks to
upgrade to 5G. The thing is, not everyone has a ton of money lying
around to upgrade their phone on a whim. I'm a firm believer in "If it
ain't broke, don't fix it". Why folks have to always have the latest
and greatest item, is beyond me.

"Scientists believe the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals. This is the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles." -Conan O'Brien

They were probably drunk as coots as well.

"Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most
awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love." -Butch Hancock

Never mind a hot time in the old town tonight.

"You know those little robot vacuums called Roombas? The company that makes them says that Roombas have the capability to map out your home while they clean it, and it's planning to sell that information to
Amazon and Google. We all thought that the Roomba was just vacuuming; turns out it was casing the joint." -James Corden

Sure looks that way. Next, it'll send pictures as you enter and leave
the shower, naked as a jaybird.

"This was a little controversial: Pope Francis recently said that the majority of modern Catholic marriages are worthless because couples
don't always mean it when they say they'll love each other forever. And that's the last time Pope Francis was ever asked to give a best man speech." -Jimmy Fallon

I would say so. However, at a nudist wedding, you can always tell who
the blind man is...because it's not hard.

"A new article states that millennials have terrible conversational skills. When asked for comment, millennials texted a series of crying frowny faces." -Conan O'Brien

That's the new language...although BBSing had first dibs on it with emoticons.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man.

"Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair!"

Never mind rock around the cock. :P

-= 4 =-
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes. One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese. You may find a lone
mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not
hice. If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the
plural of pan be called pen? If I spoke of my foot and show you my
feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth? Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat
in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his
and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Semantics and details.

-= 5 =-
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey,
show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and
says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Pish off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls
off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

Mother Superior announced at the convent that they had found a case
of gonorrhea. One blonde says "Oh, Thank God!! I'm so sick of Chardonnay!!"

"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do
him any good."

In south Florida, if you don't know Spanish, you'll have a hard time
getting around.

I must apologize. I neglected to mention that this report was from November 2, 1922, as reported by the AP and published in The Washington Post -- 99 years ago. Alarmist global warning even back then.

There was an episode of Bewitched or I Dream Of Jeannie, where this
newspaper article was from their friends getting involved in all sorts
of accidents. So, either Samantha or Jeannie are trying to get that from occurring...not realizing it was from an actual event 25 years ago.

Think about it: the first athlete to take a knee was Tanya Harding! (~#~adapted from a Sid Davis joke)

I thought it was Nancy Kerrigan.

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret quote back-tick dollar
dollar dash, Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, Percent splat waka waka tilde number four, Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash, Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH!

The new language.

There's one day a year that Jews do not eat, it's called Yom Kippur.

The Irish have this, too, it's called Saint Patrick's Day!

I saw a T-Shirt and card once for St. Patrick's Day. It said on the
front "To all my friends, Kiss Me, I'm Irish". Then, on the inside,
you see the guy's butt, with the words "To all my enemies, Kiss Me,
I'm Irish". :P

Daryl

... A male dog is truly an S.O.B. -- and acts like one, too!
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

George,

Trying this again. . .

If at first, you don't succeed...try, try again.
Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. -- W.C. Fields <G>

If at first you don't succeed. . .
. . . then skydiving may not be the right hobby for you. . . . then try doing it the way your wife told you to in the first place. . . . hide all evidence that you even tried.

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these.
Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00
cancelation fee! ;)

$19?? What about depreciation?? Shouldn't it be 19 cents?? <g,d,r>

Actually, with inflation, it;s more like $119!

Husband: Well, don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital
that night, you saw the baby had pooped his diaper. Then you said:
Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here. So I went inside,
got a clean one and left the messy one there.

Sounds like the one that Yakov Smirnoff told. He noted this "baby
changing table" in the bathroom...so he said "you get to change the
baby for another one"...then he added "I'll bet you never look at it
that way". And of course, the whole room was roaring in laughter. <G>

There's a name fron 40 years ago! I remember him -- whatever happened to him?

This issue's quotable quoters:
"A man set a new world record after kicking himself in the head 134
times in one minute. He broke the previous record of zero." -Conan
O'Brien

Sounds like Denny Crum, one time Louisville basketball coach, who said something like "Our future lies ahead". What was your first clue?? :P

You ever have those people who say, "Here's a picture of me from when I was younger?"

EVERY picture of you is from when you were younger! -- American Philosopher G. Carlin(RIP)

"A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is
bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long
at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, work is
bad for you." -Jimmy Fallon

Work is also a nasty 4 letter word.

The original 4-letter bad word, I always say, sometimes.

[I've been saying this next one for years, but HE gets the credit?!]

And, he's getting paid more money than you are.

Most are.

"The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it; if you
can't ignore it, top it; if you can't top it, laugh at it; if you can't
laugh at it, it's probably deserved." --Russell Lynes

Just like the celebrity roasts...you can find a lot of those on YouTube.

I have a bnice set of the Comedy Central Roasts -- they're my fave. A new genre out now: Roast Battles.

There's the US, UK, & Canadian TV series.

That's how I first asw & fell in love with Sarah Tiana (southern girl -- nt all sugar & spice, but the most adorable little cheeks!)

I saw where the 3G phone networks will be shutting down soon...and that eventually, they'll do the same to 4G, to try to get (force) folks to
upgrade to 5G. The thing is, not everyone has a ton of money lying
around to upgrade their phone on a whim. I'm a firm believer in "If it
ain't broke, don't fix it". Why folks have to always have the latest
and greatest item, is beyond me.

It's simlpe: in the olden daze, the nobility(corporate CEOs in today's world) taxed the heck out of people's hard work, to ensure a constant flow of their production into their own treasuries. Those who refused, were executed as examples to the rest.

Now they want you to buy whatever crap they've dreamed up for the same purpose, because now only the government can tax you (& it's slower getting your money that way, for the modern nobility)

So they poison the foods & meds the poor people take (execution, because they didn't produce enough to buy the better stuff)

ALL the antidepressants covered by HMOs & socialist governments cause the takers to visualize themselves committing suicide. (true story: "suicidal ideation" usually not understood by those who even bother reading the monographs)

"Scientists believe the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals.
This is the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles." -Conan O'Brien

They were probably drunk as coots as well.

Beer goggles = satirical reference to being drunk (she looks better when youre drunk = the goggles are working)

Or the guy who was at a bar drinking a long time.

Every time the bartender would ask if he'd like another drink (triple bourbon, triple tequila as a chaser) the guy would lift a photo from his pocket, look at it & say, "Sure, I'm still good."

Finally the bartendeer got achance to ask gimi what that was about.

"It's a photo of my wife," he answered, "I came in here to get drunk. Soon as she starts looking good, I'm done."

"Life in Lubbock, Texas taught me two things: One is that God loves you
and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most
awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you
love." -Butch Hancock

Might likewise work for Provo, Utah (home of DryBar comedy -- 100% clean standup; free on YouTube)

Never mind a hot time in the old town tonight.

Not in Lubbock, apparently!

"You know those little robot vacuums called Roombas? The company that
makes them says that Roombas have the capability to map out your home
while they clean it, and it's planning to sell that information to
Amazon and Google. We all thought that the Roomba was just vacuuming;
turns out it was casing the joint." -James Corden

Sure looks that way. Next, it'll send pictures as you enter and leave
the shower, naked as a jaybird.

Not me -- no market for naked pics of this big ol' old guy! (oh, right, Rule 34, so maybe there is)

"This was a little controversial: Pope Francis recently said that the
majority of modern Catholic marriages are worthless because couples
don't always mean it when they say they'll love each other forever. And
that's the last time Pope Francis was ever asked to give a best man
speech." -Jimmy Fallon

I would say so. However, at a nudist wedding, you can always tell who
the blind man is...because it's not hard.

Is it easy to identify a blind guy at a nudist colony? . . .it's not hard.

knock on door whjere the nuns were painting the room while nude, so as not to soil their habits.

"Who is it?" one asked.
"Blind guy."
"She opened the door, figuring what harm.
"Wow! Looking good, sisters. Where do you want these blinds?"

"A new article states that millennials have terrible conversational
skills. When asked for comment, millennials texted a series of crying
frowny faces." -Conan O'Brien

That's the new language...although BBSing had first dibs on it with emoticons.

Yup -- I used to colect & share lists, including putting my own down.

|<+]:-{)} (the Cyberpopicon)

I started signing as +-:-) until somneonepointed out that Popers wear a mitre & she showed me an example for asacii art: <+]. I had to agree & immediately updated my signatures. . .

I later added the kippa(aka yarmulke) when I became Jewish to denote my recognition that God is always over me.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?" says the old man.
"Get serious," she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair!"

Never mind rock around the cock. :P

She wasn't wasting her time. . .

cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say
mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his
and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Semantics and details.

are what make English so much fun -- Other olanguages borrow woreds; English chasers other languages down blind alleys, beat the cvrap out of them & rifle through their pockets loking for any loose particles or gerunds!

In south Florida, if you don't know Spanish, you'll have a hard time
getting around.

As I've heard -- pretty ignorant, if you ask me, for stores to be operated in Spanish, when the nation is English(still the mahorty, by an ever slimmer margin)

Here in Richmond, in the last two censuses (censi?) more than 50% of the residents are Chinese. But when _I_ try to claim minority benefits, I'm, apparently, an arsehole!

Think about it: the first athlete to take a knee was Tanya Harding!
(~#~adapted from a Sid Davis joke)

I thought it was Nancy Kerrigan.

Nancy Kerrigan got the damaged knee, no? Thus Tanya took her out, via the knee?

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash, Caret quote back-tick dollar
dollar dash, Bang splat equal at dollar under-score, Percent splat waka
waka tilde number four, Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH!

The new language.

Nah, these were already well established in the '90s, when I first stole that one from this echo! *LOL* & I'll steal it again. . . I don't care! I'm a rebel!

I saw a T-Shirt and card once for St. Patrick's Day. It said on the
front "To all my friends, Kiss Me, I'm Irish". Then, on the inside,
you see the guy's butt, with the words "To all my enemies, Kiss Me,
I'm Irish". :P

I had 2 buttons:
"Kiss me, I'm Irish" &, for those who would question my heritage: "Irish for a day"

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

If at first you don't succeed. . .
. . . then skydiving may not be the right hobby for you. . . . then try doing it the way your wife told you to in the first place. . . . hide
all evidence that you even tried.

The meme I liked was where this guy is confronted by "The Grim Reaper"
on the street. He tells the poor soul "that fancy expensive item you had ordered was delivered to your home while your wife was at work, and she
signed for it. Do you want to go home and face the music, or just come
with me now??". <G>

Actually, with inflation, it;s more like $119!

Or as Jerry Reed's song "Lord, Mister Ford", noted...

"Well, I figured it up, and over a period of time, this $4000 car of
mine cost $14,000 and 99 cents". <G>

There's a name fron 40 years ago! I remember him -- whatever happened
to him?

I don't know...but he was originally from Russia, and he emigrated to the
US. He had a show in Branson, at his own theatre...and it was all G-rated entertainment.

You ever have those people who say, "Here's a picture of me from when I was younger?"

Not that I can recall.

EVERY picture of you is from when you were younger! -- American Philosopher G. Carlin(RIP)

This is true. I've got a picture on my Facebook profile of our late
parents, my brother and myself. It was Christmas Day, 1962...my brother
had just turned 1, and I would turn 3 in March. I think my Mom and Dad
were only 37 at the time...they were born 40 days apart...Mom was the
older one...but she lived 12 1/2 years longer than my Dad.

I have a nice set of the Comedy Central Roasts -- they're my fave. A
new genre out now: Roast Battles.

There's the US, UK, & Canadian TV series.

I'm sure there are several on YouTube. It reminds me of a deal known
as "The Curse Exchange".

That's how I first saw & fell in love with Sarah Tiana (southern girl
-- not all sugar & spice, but the most adorable little cheeks!)

Never heard of her.

It's simple: in the olden daze, the nobility (corporate CEOs in today's world) taxed the heck out of people's hard work, to ensure a constant
flow of their production into their own treasuries. Those who refused, were executed as examples to the rest.

I'm sorry I asked. :P

Now they want you to buy whatever crap they've dreamed up for the same purpose, because now only the government can tax you (& it's slower getting your money that way, for the modern nobility)

Why does the saying "Don't lie, cheat, and steal!! The government hates competition!!" come to mind??

So they poison the foods & meds the poor people take (execution,
because they didn't produce enough to buy the better stuff)

That's what they seem to be doing today with Covid-19...they're saying
the unvaccinated are dying, but from what I've seen, it's the other way around.

ALL the antidepressants covered by HMOs & socialist governments cause
the takers to visualize themselves committing suicide. (true story: "suicidal ideation" usually not understood by those who even bother reading the monographs)

I am reminded from the deal on "The Fat Bible", where mankind basically listened to Satan, and gorged himself with all the high fat and high cholesterol foods. The last 3 lines went like this:

And, man went into cardiac arrest.

And, God created quadruple bypass surgery.

And, Satan created HMO's. <G>

Beer goggles = satirical reference to being drunk (she looks better
when youre drunk = the goggles are working)

First time I've ever heard the term.

"It's a photo of my wife," he answered, "I came in here to get drunk.
Soon as she starts looking good, I'm done."

Wonder how long it took to get what he wanted.

Not me -- no market for naked pics of this big ol' old guy! (oh, right, Rule 34, so maybe there is).

Rule 1: The boss is always right.
Rule 2: Whenever the boss is wrong, refer to Rule 1.

"Who is it?" one asked.
"Blind guy."
"She opened the door, figuring what harm.
"Wow! Looking good, sisters. Where do you want these blinds?"

I've heard a variation of that...I'll bet that man got an eyefull!! <G>

As I've heard -- pretty ignorant, if you ask me, for stores to be
operated in Spanish, when the nation is English(still the majority, by
an ever slimmer margin)

I had Spanish in high school...but I don't know if I ever took it in
college. I can read it, but I can't speak it, as it were.

Nancy Kerrigan got the damaged knee, no? Thus Tanya took her out, via
the knee?

Or it was Tonya's boyfriend who did the dirty deed?? Whatever happend to
all of them??

Nah, these were already well established in the '90s, when I first
stole that one from this echo! *LOL* & I'll steal it again. . . I
don't care! I'm a rebel!

Non-conformist. <G>

I had 2 buttons:
"Kiss me, I'm Irish" &, for those who would question my heritage:
"Irish for a day"

(rolling the R's) "Irish Irus in Dixie". <G>

Daryl

... I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

George Pope wrote to Daryl Stout <=-

If at first you don't succeed. . .
. . . then skydiving may not be the right hobby for you. . . .

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving AGAIN.

And then there's Maxim 11: Everything is air-droppable at least once.


... But honey, I wouldn't be up so late on a faster machine!
=== MultiMail/Linux v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: Diamond Mine Online BBS - bbs.dmine.net:24 (1:275/89)

Ron,

If at first you don't succeed. . .
. . . then skydiving may not be the right hobby for you. . . .

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving AGAIN.

Duly noted. <G>

And then there's Maxim 11: Everything is air-droppable at least once.

Just like Humpty Dumpty falling off the wall. <G>

... But honey, I wouldn't be up so late on a faster machine!

Not tonight, dear, I have a BBS to logon to. :P

Daryl

... Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

The meme I liked was where this guy is confronted by "The Grim Reaper"
on the street. He tells the poor soul "that fancy expensive item you had ordered was delivered to your home while your wife was at work, and she signed for it. Do you want to go home and face the music, or just come
with me now??". <G>

Depending on the item, he may have just left with the old guy right then. . .

Actually, with inflation, it;s more like $119!

Or as Jerry Reed's song "Lord, Mister Ford", noted...
"Well, I figured it up, and over a period of time, this $4000 car of
mine cost $14,000 and 99 cents". <G>

That seems cheap, compared to tyhe usuasl cost oof ongoing maintenance trying to fight the built in obsolescence. Buy a Honda -- a 10-year-old Honda sells for close to what a new one does, because they don't go down in real(vs imputed) value. Buy a new one for the warranties & sell it after 2 years & repeat.

There's a name fron 40 years ago! I remember him -- whatever happened
to him?

I don't know...but he was originally from Russia, and he emigrated to the
US. He had a show in Branson, at his own theatre...and it was all G-rated entertainment.

Yup, they've all, from the '80s, disappeared into history's annals.

I do recall his accenmt most of all, & is wat of laughhing -- sdo mirthful!

So much a better rep for a foreign immigrant than is Borat!

I have a nice set of the Comedy Central Roasts -- they're my fave. A
new genre out now: Roast Battles.
There's the US, UK, & Canadian TV series.

I'm sure there are several on YouTube. It reminds me of a deal known
as "The Curse Exchange".

True -- you wouldn't olike the full roasts -- the only rule is no physical contact -- nothing in spoken word is off limits. (but, of course, the goal is to be the funniest one, so that has built in limitations, as far as relying exclusively on vulgarities.)

That's how I first saw & fell in love with Sarah Tiana (southern girl
-- not all sugar & spice, but the most adorable little cheeks!)

Never heard of her.

Not your style of hmour -- she isn't shy in the mojtgh department. But, IMO, she uses the words non-gratuitously (must be her suthern belle upbringing (a gorgeous GA girl)

It's simple: in the olden daze, the nobility (corporate CEOs in today's
world) taxed the heck out of people's hard work, to ensure a constant
flow of their production into their own treasuries. Those who refused,
were executed as examples to the rest.

I'm sorry I asked. :P

You sure you did? It's not a requirement for me to reply with explanations! ;)

Now they want you to buy whatever crap they've dreamed up for the same
purpose, because now only the government can tax you (& it's slower
getting your money that way, for the modern nobility)

Why does the saying "Don't lie, cheat, and steal!! The government hates competition!!" come to mind??

Son: Dad I've finally decided what area I'm going into when i grow up! Dad: Whuich?
Son: I've researched my options & Organised Crime seems my best option at providing for your grandchildren.
Dad: Organised Crime, eh? Nice. Which kind, government or Mafia?

I am reminded from the deal on "The Fat Bible", where mankind basically listened to Satan, and gorged himself with all the high fat and high cholesterol foods. The last 3 lines went like this:
And, man went into cardiac arrest.
And, God created quadruple bypass surgery.
And, Satan created HMO's. <G>

We use PPOs almost exclusively, to ensure lowered hospital bills.

The head of America's top profgiting HMO died & was being judged.

Peter said, "Well, it seems you've done some good in donating to charity, & ensuring hospital beds are free when needed for emergencies, so you can enter Paradise. . .but only for 3 days, after which you can go straight to Hell!"

"It's a photo of my wife," he answered, "I came in here to get drunk.
Soon as she starts looking good, I'm done."

Wonder how long it took to get what he wanted.

I wondcer why he married a woman he wasn't so committed to that she was the mosdt beautiful womani n the world to him at all times & ages? I took my time getting married (age 40) & I had already decided I would only marry the most beautiful woman in the world. & I did!

Rule 1: The boss is always right.
Rule 2: Whenever the boss is wrong, refer to Rule 1.

I've finally figured out that EVERY Job Description is: 50%: shield the boss(es) from hassles 50%": "other duties as required"

I had Spanish in high school...but I don't know if I ever took it in
college. I can read it, but I can't speak it, as it were.

I hads a mandatory half year of French in grade 8. It was enough, two years late, to establish a sort of Franglais pidgin good enough to flirt with a hot Louisiana girl, my age, during a long line-up(Space Mountain, I think) at Disneyland.

Non-conformist. <G>

My dad taught me there are two types of auithorities: 1) the true one; God, shared with parents, who grant some to cops, parliament,
& school boards.
2) upstarts who claim aiuthority that isn't rightfully theirs.

I try to ascertain the difference & conform appropriately.

I know #2 is AKA "bullies" (of any age, position in life--schoolyard, workplace, internet, politics)

(rolling the R's) "Irish Irus in Dixie". <G>

I dinnae ken that one, laddie!

Q: What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date together? A: Dublin

Q: What do you call Mary J Blige╞s overly accommodating Irish cousin? A: Mary O╞Blige

My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.

A lot of people like French dressing, but my favorite salad dressing is Irish: >>Balsa McVinegar

Irish Chili:
*in your best Irish accent why does Irish Chili have 239 beans?
A: If you add one more, it╞ll be Two-Farty!

A short Irish guy tricked me into giving him money for his skin disease. I should╞ve known it was a Leper-con.

New job titles:
Original & New Meaning:
can a librarian be called a bookkeeper? or a referee be a game warden?
or a dairyman be a cowboy?
or a cabinetmaker be the president?

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need a parachute to go skydiving AGAIN.
And then there's Maxim 11: Everything is air-droppable at least once.

True stuff.

Flying an airplane only requires one simple rule:

Ensure Landings >= Takeoffs

Skydiving seems like it'd be similar. . . :)

I'll avoid all.

Jon: There's no need to be afraid of flying -- after all, you'll only die when it's your time to go, wherever you are, in a plane or on the ground. Don: Fair enough, but I don't care to be in a plane when it's the pilot's time to go!

Also: They say flying in a plane is safer than driving a car, but at least I know if & when my engine falls out of a car, I don't have 7 miles to go to reach land!

Plane is in emergency landing mode. Seatmate on window side sees a bunch of ambulance & firetruck lights flashing & asks, "Where do you suppose they are going?" Me: All the way to the scene of the crash, I'm guessing. [moral: Don't interrupt me when I'm reading on a flight to ask a dumb question]

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Not tonight, dear, I have a BBS to logon to. :P

Sleep is for the BBS-modem-deprived. Real nerds monitor all echoes until the last message is replied to.


--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

Son: Dad I've finally decided what area I'm going into when i grow up! Dad: Whuich? Son: I've researched my options & Organised Crime seems my best option at providing for your grandchildren. Dad: Organised Crime, eh? Nice. Which kind, government or Mafia?

Really.

Daryl

... Newspaper Headline: "Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years." === MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

George,

Not tonight, dear, I have a BBS to logon to. :P
Sleep is for the BBS-modem-deprived. Real nerds monitor all echoes
until the last message is replied to.

But, I don't have room for my computer in the bathroom.

Man up & upgrade to a tablet or mini tablet (widescreen smartphone)

Q: What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom? A: Lou.

Q: What do you call a bathroom line? A: A P.Q.

Q: If you╞re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in there?
A: European

Someone really did a number on the office bathroom. I got really upset until I realized I work from home and I am the only one home.

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, ⌠Ha! That╞s not going to help!÷
⌠Sure, it does.÷ I said. ⌠It╞s the only way I can see the numbers.÷

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

Man up & upgrade to a tablet or mini tablet (widescreen smartphone)

I'm so broke I can't pay attention.

Q: What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom? A: Lou.

I know some friends with that name...they have that room all to
themselves. <G>

Q: What do you call a bathroom line? A: A P.Q.

You'll have to explain that one.

Q: If you're Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are
you while you are in there? A: European

That is Pee-fection.

Someone really did a number on the office bathroom. I got really upset until I realized I work from home and I am the only one home.

Being home alone is where you can poop with the door open. <G>

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, "Ha! That's not going to help!" "Sure, it does."
I said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

I have an electronic scale with LED numbers, but you have to look down at
it.

Yet, in a doctors office, the scales are offensive...but I can't get them
to remove them.

Daryl

... "Go away. I'm all right." -H.G. Wells last words
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

George,

Man up & upgrade to a tablet or mini tablet (widescreen smartphone)

I'm so broke I can't pay attention.

You trook the words right out of my motrh -- how bloody unsanitary!

I use that line regularly & honestly. . . (I have ADHD, too--they're not related, but it works)

Q: What do you call a bathroom line? A: A P.Q.

You'll have to explain that one.

A Pee Queue.

Being home alone is where you can poop with the door open. <G>

If necessary -- it do help disperse the evil. I bought a mini 4"fan from Amazon that I leave running in the bathroom 24/7 -- helps a LOT, especially with reducing the stifling heat in summer or when the furnace comes on too often in the winter. . . (sam,e size vent to give enough heat to keep the big living room warm as for the little bathroom)

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my
stomach, she laughed, "Ha! That's not going to help!" "Sure, it does."
I said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

I have an electronic scale with LED numbers, but you have to look down at
it.

Same, but Iu mamage, so I'm not so bad yet. . .plus I've been steadily losing 1lb/week for almost a year now.

It's basic math: fat = energy, stored. calories = energy

To lose weight one must either reduce calories or increase activity (to increase outpout of calories); physical exercise isn't an option for my semi- paralyzed self, so I've had to crack down on how & how much I eat -- it's obviously working!

My GP twigged me to MyNetDiary website & app -- helps so much! (not an ad)

I loove math, so t he match was an easy & obvious one, once I likened it to a math equation.

Q: why dont atheists solve exponential equations ? A: they dont believe in higher powers.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations
F=ma

Q: What do you call a person who uses algebraic equations to calculate coffin sizes?
A: A mathemortician.

The difference between the engineer, the physicist, and the mathematician.. The engineer believes equations approximate reality.. The physicist believes reality approximates equations.. The mathematician has no idea what the other two are talking about.

An escalating series of math jokes (PG)

Me: Roses are red. Violets are blue. Math is hard, and so I am.

Her: I wish you were my differential equations homework... because if you were, you would be hard and I would be doing you on my desk.

Me: Well, I'm awfully glad you're not *my* differential equations homework... because if you were, you would be 6 weeks late.

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

You took the words right out of my mouth -- how bloody unsanitary!

It wasn't easy reaching between those molars. Besides, you have to be
kind to your dentist, as he has fillings, too. <G>

I use that line regularly & honestly. . . (I have ADHD, too--they're
not related, but it works)

Christian Comedian Mark Lowery refers to it now as ADD...he says he
doesn't have the memory to worry about the H. <G>

You'll have to explain that one.

A Pee Queue.

OK, that clears that up. It's like the meme that noted "I've absorbed
so much hand sanitizer, that when I pee, I clean the toilet". <G>

If necessary -- it do help disperse the evil. I bought a mini 4"fan
from Amazon that I leave running in the bathroom 24/7 -- helps a LOT, especially with reducing the stifling heat in summer or when the
furnace comes on too often in the winter. . . (sam,e size vent to give enough heat to keep the big living room warm as for the little
bathroom)

If you see a bear coming out of the woods with a newspaper, and he warns
you to not go in there... <G>

Same, but I mamage, so I'm not so bad yet. . .plus I've been steadily losing 1lb/week for almost a year now.

I wish I could say the same.

It's basic math: fat = energy, stored. calories = energy

Too bad you can't fart away fat. <G>

To lose weight one must either reduce calories or increase activity (to
increase outpout of calories); physical exercise isn't an option for
my semi- paralyzed self, so I've had to crack down on how & how much I
eat -- it's obviously working!

Finances have cut me to 1 lunch meat sandwich twice a day...not very nutritious.

Q: What do you call a person who uses algebraic equations to calculate coffin sizes? A: A mathemortician.

I heard of a guy being pursued by a possessed casket in a haunted house.
So, he threw a bottle of Robitussion at it, and the coffin stopped.

Me: Roses are red. Violets are blue. Math is hard, and so I am.

At my bridal shower, it was "Violets are purple. Roses are red. When
Daryl is blue...Jan, head for the bed". I was never so embarrassed in
all my life...severely blushing as well. :P

Her: I wish you were my differential equations homework... because if
you were, you would be hard and I would be doing you on my desk.

Now that really adds up. <G>

Me: Well, I'm awfully glad you're not *my* differential equations homework... because if you were, you would be 6 weeks late.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held 2 weeks ago.

Daryl

... If you think everything's OK, you've overlooked something.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

George,

You took the words right out of my mouth -- how bloody unsanitary!

It wasn't easy reaching between those molars. Besides, you have to be
kind to your dentist, as he has fillings, too. <G>

Yup, I be filling his spare bank account, labeled "Yacht Fund"

If you see a bear coming out of the woods with a newspaper, and he warns
you to not go in there... <G>

My rhetorical bit is, "Does the Pope sh** in the woods?" or "Is a bear with diarrhea Catholic?"; to the first I can respond, "Only when I'm camping."

Same, but I mamage, so I'm not so bad yet. . .plus I've been steadily
losing 1lb/week for almost a year now.

I wish I could say the same.

Go online, google up Mynetdiary & start there -- put in every food you eat.

It starts by figuring out what your maintenanve level in calories is (to keep yourself exactly whgere you are, then you pick how fast you want to lose weight (1lb/week is recommended by doctors as max healthy rate), how much total (start with 10% of body weight, as they say 10% will effect healthful changes you'll notice. I went with more, as I was nmorbidly obese when I started & needed to get to work asap.

Eaxch dasy it'll show you your total allocated, & a running total f how much you've eaten so far & what that leaves, in calories -- it helps you make wise choices real quickly.

Soon enough you gert into better habits & get full sooner, with less, & desire healthier foods (you can check any food you put in for a grade A to D-)

It's basic math: fat = energy, stored. calories = energy

Too bad you can't fart away fat. <G>

Yup, I looked into it, hoping to come up with the Next Big Thing in millionaire-making diets. . .

To lose weight one must either reduce calories or increase activity (to
increase outpout of calories); physical exercise isn't an option for
my semi- paralyzed self, so I've had to crack down on how & how much I
eat -- it's obviously working!

Finances have cut me to 1 lunch meat sandwich twice a day...not very nutritious.

Nope - you m ight want to explore others -- I managed, for a while, as a single, on under $1/day. Bulk food stores helped immensely.

Don't be afraid to feel hunger for a bit each day -- this is a sign your body is eating excess fat, & your stomach is shrinking (less greedy for more)

At my bridal shower, it was "Violets are purple. Roses are red. When
Daryl is blue...Jan, head for the bed". I was never so embarrassed in
all my life...severely blushing as well. :P

Bridal Shower? You weren't a bride, mate!

Her: I wish you were my differential equations homework... because if
you were, you would be hard and I would be doing you on my desk.

Now that really adds up. <G>

To unemplyment & divorce, likely, with an STD remainder.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held 2 weeks ago.

Where were you? I've been hosting this monthly meeting for years now & usually there's just the same half dozen of us. . .

& Art, showing up ten minutes late, as usual, & heading straight for the coffeepot!

Did you hear about the guy who went on a fruit diet? In just 2 days, he became completely obnoxious
Evidently, it is enough to make a Mango crazy

After careful consideration, I╞ve decided to go on an entirely vegetarian based diet.
I will now only eat animals that are herbivores.

My friend Joseph recently went on the Dolly Parton diet... It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!

I╞m on a whiskey diet.
I╞ve lost three days already.

My wife says I'm on a seafood diet.... When I see food, I eat it!

I prefer the "A-Food Diet"; I only eat foods beginning with the letter A: Apricots
Apples
Asparagus
A banana cream pie
A dozen doughnuts
etc. . .

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

Yup, I be filling his spare bank account, labeled "Yacht Fund"

And, that's the tooth.

My rhetorical bit is, "Does the Pope sh** in the woods?" or "Is a bear with diarrhea Catholic?"; to the first I can respond, "Only when I'm camping."

Every creature poots and poops...for humans, the pooting is from 15 times
a day, to as much as 20 times an hour. I wonder how much of our tax dollars were used to determine that?? I heard they were going to do a study on
second hand flatulence, but they couldn't get any volunteers. And, there is
a new emergency vehicle...the flatulance -- it picks you up after you've
been run over by a steam roller. <G>

Go online, google up Mynetdiary & start there -- put in every food you eat.

Right now, it's not much at all...lemon cream sandwich cookies, and lunch meat sandwiches of Buddig lunch meat, on wheat bread.

Bridal Shower? You weren't a bride, mate!

No, but I was there with her, and she wanted everyone there.

To unemployment & divorce, likely, with an STD remainder.

True.

Where were you? I've been hosting this monthly meeting for years now & usually there's just the same half dozen of us. . .

The usual suspects seem to show up.

Did you hear about the guy who went on a fruit diet? In just 2 days, he became completely obnoxious Evidently, it is enough to make a Mango
crazy

There is an allergy to the skin of mangoes...my brother has it. He can eat the inside of it, but if he touches the outside, he breaks out in a rash.

My friend Joseph recently went on the Dolly Parton diet... It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!

I'm begging of you, please don't take my spam. <G>

My wife says I'm on a seafood diet.... When I see food, I eat it!

It's a light seafood diet. When it gets light, and I see food, I eat.

I prefer the "A-Food Diet"; I only eat foods beginning with the letter
A: Apricots Apples
Asparagus
A banana cream pie
A dozen doughnuts
etc. . .

Except for apricots and asparagus, the others are the better choice. <G>

Or it could be like the guy who grew the green vegetable in a greenhouse, with wire around it. He'd go to check it at sunrise, and it was known as
the dawning of the cage of asparagus. <G>

Daryl


... It's so hot, that the brown cow gave hot chocolate.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

George,

Yup, I be filling his spare bank account, labeled "Yacht Fund"

And, that's the tooth.

& the bill. . .

Every creature poots and poops...for humans, the pooting is from 15 times
a day, to as much as 20 times an hour. I wonder how much of our tax dollars were used to determine that?? I heard they were going to do a study on
second hand flatulence, but they couldn't get any volunteers. And, there is

Likely it was a private study by a cvompany wanting to sell anti-pooting drugs. . .

There are a few creatures that never have those "audio tests of their solid waste disposal systems" -- mostly mollusks & fleas.

Tigers & other wildcats shouldn't, as they never eat ANY vegetation; they'll avoid eating prey's stomachs to avoid any that might be in there.

Their fibre, for regularity, comes from hair & bones.

Go online, google up Mynetdiary & start there -- put in every food you
eat.

Right now, it's not much at all...lemon cream sandwich cookies, and lunch meat sandwiches of Buddig lunch meat, on wheat bread.

Well, you can use it to track your calories & sodium intake m, to see where a problem may be occurring -- ifyou're eating that little, obesity shouldn't be an issue. . .

I get the Buddig packs whenever they go on sale for $1 or 99c & get a bunch of corned beef for myself. My family prefers the chicken or turkey.

Been getting the Ziggy's sliced meats more regularly, as it's a good deal & the slices are proper, to me, sandwich thickness (like balogna, instead of deli sliced)

I put 2 little Buddig slices on my sandwich & can't even taste it(I like loys of yellow mustard -- turmeric is a nice antioxidant. My kids put the whole 55g(2oz?) pack into a sandwich & use miracle whip.

Bridal Shower? You weren't a bride, mate!

No, but I was there with her, and she wanted everyone there.

Hey, she was the boss, right?

There is an allergy to the skin of mangoes...my brother has it. He can eat the inside of it, but if he touches the outside, he breaks out in a rash.

My son hasd a contact rash to blueberries -- if he eats them,. he's fine, but if he smears them on his face (like when eating a triple thick blueberry danish too enthusiastically) he breaks out in an awful rash. . .

My friend Joseph recently went on the Dolly Parton diet... It made Joe
lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!

I'm begging of you, please don't take my spam. <G>

You like spam? You can have mine. Give me your email, so I cam set up a forward for all email I get with a blank sender or not addressed to only me.

My wife says I'm on a seafood diet.... When I see food, I eat it!

It's a light seafood diet. When it gets light, and I see food, I eat.

Works for me! I begin eating breakfast early, takes the edge off. . .

Or it could be like the guy who grew the green vegetable in a greenhouse, with wire around it. He'd go to check it at sunrise, and it was known as
the dawning of the cage of asparagus.

Q: Where do veggies go after they get off the airplane? A: To Cabbage Claim!

Q: How did John and Yoko get their son to eat his veggies? A: "Sean, all we are saying is give peas a chance."

7 days with no veggies makes one weak.

Orange you glad I came up with these grape and un-beet-able puns? Cauliflower (call a flower) shop. In celebration! It╞s just bananas, and will drive you coco and nuts!

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George...

& the bill. . .

Foot the bill...what you do to the podiatrist. Medicare won't cover the trimming of toenails, but I (like so many others) can't squeeze the clippers for the severe arthritis...never mind gout in the foot.

Likely it was a private study by a company wanting to sell
anti-pooting drugs. . .

A friend of mine calls that "spider barkings"...when I asked what that
was, he replied "Beano!!", and I replied "Ahhhhh!". <G>

There are a few creatures that never have those "audio tests of their solid waste disposal systems" -- mostly mollusks & fleas.

The bedbugs, after they bite you, poop out blood. A bunch of dots on
your bedding or mattress (known as "freckles") is a sign of infestation.
Only very high temperatures or special insecticides will kill them. And,
you don't want them coming home with you from vacation.

Their fibre, for regularity, comes from hair & bones.

My late wife quipped that "the chicken needs the bones for the
crunchiness". No, thanks...I prefer the boneless pieces. However,
there was a meme for "boneless watermelon". :P

Well, you can use it to track your calories & sodium intake m, to see where a problem may be occurring -- ifyou're eating that little,
obesity shouldn't be an issue. . .

Unfortunately, all the processed foods are drowning in sodium.

I get the Buddig packs whenever they go on sale for $1 or 99c & get a bunch of corned beef for myself. My family prefers the chicken or turkey.

I prefer the turkey, chicken, or ham...I'm not one for corned beef.

Been getting the Ziggy's sliced meats more regularly, as it's a good
deal & the slices are proper, to me, sandwich thickness (like balogna, instead of deli sliced).

It gives a whole new meaning to the word THIN.

I put 2 little Buddig slices on my sandwich & can't even taste it(I
like loys of yellow mustard -- turmeric is a nice antioxidant. My
kids put the whole 55g(2oz?) pack into a sandwich & use miracle whip.

I love those commercials, where this guy is talking to this girl on the phone, and when he says "I'm out of Miracle Whip"....<CLICK!> (dial tone). :P

Hey, she was the boss, right?

We were submissive to each others needs. Besides, I had never been married before...I didn't know how things were supposed to be.

My son has a contact rash to blueberries -- if he eats them,. he's
fine, but if he smears them on his face (like when eating a triple
thick blueberry danish too enthusiastically) he breaks out in an awful rash. . .

I'm glad I don't have any food allergies.

You like spam? You can have mine. Give me your email, so I cam set up a forward for all email I get with a blank sender or not addressed to
only me.

The guy on the street wanted me to give him some bills...so I handed over
my electric, gas, water, and car repair bills. <G>

Works for me! I begin eating breakfast early, takes the edge off. . .

Unless I'm up early for a ham radio license exam, I'm not a breakfast
person.

Q: Where do veggies go after they get off the airplane? A: To Cabbage Claim!

There is a type of diesel locomotive that Amtrak uses that has doors in
the sides of it, behind the cab control of the engine. They apparently
swapped most of the traction motors out for baggage compartments, so the locomotive is known as "cabbage" for "cab" and "baggage". They are used
mainly in Amtrak's California Service.

Q: How did John and Yoko get their son to eat his veggies? A: "Sean,
all we are saying is give peas a chance."

I love peas and carrots...I have to go shopping later today, so I may
get stuff to make up a nice casserole.

Orange you glad I came up with these grape and un-beet-able puns? Cauliflower (call a flower) shop. In celebration! It's just bananas,
and will drive you coco and nuts!

There was a commercial years ago for a vegetable band. Two of the
instruments were rutabega and a bass brocoli (sp?). They'll play the
theme song "Yes, We Have No Bananas", and then we'll eat our instruments.

This guy wants to try one, so he's handed a stalk of celery. He blows
it like a flute, and is told "you strum it"...then the teacher growls "Beginners". <G>

Daryl

... You say I'm a little behind?? You can't see my butt.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

George...

& the bill. . .

Foot the bill...what you do to the podiatrist. Medicare won't cover the trimming of toenails, but I (like so many others) can't squeeze the clippers for the severe arthritis...never mind gout in the foot.

Here, podiatrists aren't covered at all, as they opted out of the government insurance plan.

There's a yruye srory(8suypoposedly; I wasn't there) of a podiatrrist who submitted more billing than any other in the state; a Medicare investigator checked him out; turns out he was puutting in a biling code for surgically removing part of the toe to get paid for toe trimming.

He got fined heavily & maybe even some jail time for fraud.

Likely it was a private study by a company wanting to sell
anti-pooting drugs. . .

A friend of mine calls that "spider barkings"...when I asked what that
was, he replied "Beano!!", and I replied "Ahhhhh!". <G>

I call them barking frogs. As in, "Whoa, there's one of them barking frogs again."

My most memorable experience was walking through a busy deparmjent storwe iun '83 with a slightly older dude(I was 17, he might've neen 19). He lets a super ripper explode & without missing a beat, points to the far corner of the ceiling, & yells, "Geese!"

I nearly fell over, wetting myself from laughing so hard!

My late wife quipped that "the chicken needs the bones for the
crunchiness". No, thanks...I prefer the boneless pieces. However,
there was a meme for "boneless watermelon". :P

& a "boneless chicken" sign in front of the eggs.

Well, you can use it to track your calories & sodium intake m, to see
where a problem may be occurring -- ifyou're eating that little,
obesity shouldn't be an issue. . .

Unfortunately, all the processed foods are drowning in sodium.

Yup. My wife struggles with keeping hers below the RDA. I gave up long ago & don't bother myself even looking

I prefer the turkey, chicken, or ham...I'm not one for corned beef.

If they had plain roast beef, I'd go for that, but I can only get that in the Ziggy's 300g packs for $5. I'll buy 3-4 roasted(not smoked) chicken for the fam
& 1 roast beef or corned beef for myself!

Roast beef on buttered toast with yellow mustard -- mmMMmmm. . .

... You say I'm a little behind?? You can't see my butt.

They didn't say you HAVE a little behind, They said you ARE a lttle behind (maybe "behind" is a euphemism?)

I absolutely hate people who talk behind my back. They discussed me.

I saw 2 cows staring at me from behind the bush. I think it was a steak out.

Putting a breath freshener behind bars is... In-prison-mint.

A man called Bart walks into a club and the man behind the bar shoots him. He goes ⌠ they don╞t call me the Bartender for nothing÷

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

He got fined heavily & maybe even some jail time for fraud.

It's amazing how many doctors and pharmacists, are doing fraudulent things. Covid-19 has resulted in a lot of staffing shortages...and what was a 24 hour pharmacy has drastically cut back their hours.

I saw where left wing, progressive, firebrand, Alexandria Oscasio-Cortez (AOC), who was partying like there was no tomorrow (and maskless) in Miami,
is now at home down with Covid-19. She is one of many with the belief of
"Rules For Thee, But Not For Me"...which to me, makes her a hypocritical
liar. She had sowed the wind, so she's now reaping the whirlwind...plus,
she's double vaccinated and boostered (or so she says)...but it throws cold water all over the deal that "only the unvaccinated are getting Covid-19".

I call them barking frogs. As in, "Whoa, there's one of them barking
frogs again."

Or, as Rodney Dangerfield noted in "Caddyshack", "somebody step on a duck??". <G>

My most memorable experience was walking through a busy deparmjent
storwe iun '83 with a slightly older dude(I was 17, he might've neen
19). He lets a super ripper explode & without missing a beat, points
to the far corner of the ceiling, & yells, "Geese!"

I nearly fell over, wetting myself from laughing so hard!

That was a honker for sure. <G>

& a "boneless chicken" sign in front of the eggs.

That, too. The boneless watermelon is on sale this week. <G>

Yup. My wife struggles with keeping hers below the RDA. I gave up long ago & don't bother myself even looking

I rarely season my food, but all the processed foods are drowning in it. Whenever my wife and I would order pizza, she would say "I want every anchovy you have in the place"...and I told her "You can have those nasty things".

If they had plain roast beef, I'd go for that, but I can only get that
in the Ziggy's 300g packs for $5. I'll buy 3-4 roasted(not smoked) chicken for the fam & 1 roast beef or corned beef for myself!

I'm not a big fan of roast beef, unless it's in a sandwich...like at
Arby's. Speaking of which, they are already serving their "Fish sandwiches
for Lent"...so they can pick up the Catholic population during Lent. Places like Arby's and Wendy's, who normally don't serve fish, offer it during this time of year.

They didn't say you HAVE a little behind, They said you ARE a lttle
behind (maybe "behind" is a euphemism?)

Country singer Dolly Parton has a line in the song "Why Didja Come In
Here Lookin' Like That??", talking about a guy with "a little behind"...
never mind "a tiny hiney". :P

I absolutely hate people who talk behind my back. They discussed me.

What folks think of me is none of my business.

I saw 2 cows staring at me from behind the bush. I think it was a steak out.

There used to be a restaurant locally called Steak-Out. They had the best sirloin beef tips...but they're no longer in central Arkansas.

Putting a breath freshener behind bars is... In-prison-mint.

Hal E. Tosis is in cellblock one.

A man called Bart walks into a club and the man behind the bar shoots
him. He goes "they don't call me the Bartender for nothing".

He has a killer of a personality.

Daryl

... The Bottom Line: The vertical crack in your butt.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.14-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

I saw where left wing, progressive, firebrand, Alexandria Oscasio-Cortez (AOC), who was partying like there was no tomorrow (and maskless) in Miami, is now at home down with Covid-19. She is one of many with the belief of "Rules For Thee, But Not For Me"...which to me, makes her a hypocritical liar. She had sowed the wind, so she's now reaping the whirlwind...plus, she's double vaccinated and boostered (or so she says)...but it throws cold water all over the deal that "only the unvaccinated are getting Covid-19".

Nobodyt says that, who's speaking from the POV of science & medicine.

The vaccine is only claimed to be ~95% effective. After all is said & done we'll likely find that about 5% of the vaccinated caught covid.

Buytt he media loves to try to create an issue where tyherte isn't one, so they'
ll skew the facts by focusing where they want & use big bold headlines for the 5% & omit talking about the 95%.

The unvaxxed are 0% protected. This virus infects about 3.5% of the people it hits, to a dangerous point.

I'm happy to take away most windows in my immune system it might sneak through. . .

Or, as Rodney Dangerfield noted in "Caddyshack", "somebody step on a
duck??". <G>

I remember it & have used it myself. Usually as, "Oops,. I stepped on a duck."

& a "boneless chicken" sign in front of the eggs.

That, too. The boneless watermelon is on sale this week. <G>

Then there's the sign, "Just in time for Passover: Ham, 20% off." (almost as bad as McCrappy's putting pig on bagels.)

I rarely season my food, but all the processed foods are drowning in it. Whenever my wife and I would order pizza, she would say "I want every anchovy you have in the place"...and I told her "You can have those nasty things".

I've read that if you add zero salt to your food, you'll still, on average, wind up with 95X your RDA over the year!

I've never added salt to my food, whether cooking it, or on the plate.

Quie content with the tate of my food. I prefer the philosophy that good cooking involves using FOOD to make the food & to make it tasty. Using MSG & a plethora of other salts is "cheating" IMO. & indicative of a crappy chef.

I'm not a big fan of roast beef, unless it's in a sandwich...like at
Arby's. Speaking of which, they are already serving their "Fish sandwiches for Lent"...so they can pick up the Catholic population during Lent. Places like Arby's and Wendy's, who normally don't serve fish, offer it during this time of year.

I love roast beef any way I can get it within budget & cooked medium-rare.

On the plate first night, then delicious toasted sandwiches until all gone!

Can't generally afford a roast beef big enough to have more than one sandwich each, for the whole fam damily, from leftovers.

Country singer Dolly Parton has a line in the song "Why Didja Come In
Here Lookin' Like That??", talking about a guy with "a little behind"... never mind "a tiny hiney". :P

It's now "All about that bass" & I do like that younger chanteuse's "bass"!

What folks think of me is none of my business.

True. I CBA to even pretend to care. . . I'm like that one Catholic friemd of mine who said he's just happy people remember him & mention him.

There used to be a restaurant locally called Steak-Out. They had the best sirloin beef tips...but they're no longer in central Arkansas.

Lots are using Covid as an excuse to cripple their menus, then close because people stopped going to their crappy bare bones version. . .

I like a gal with some fat on the end (the same way I like my chicken, with a little bit o' fat on the end--thanks to the country comic singing that song to put it together)

One gal said, before we met, while chatting in email: "I've got more booty than a pirate!" I repolied, "SOLD!" & we happily dated a while in mutual admiration
& appreciation..

If you slap Dwayne Johnsons butt. . . . . .You've officially hit rock bottom

Q: What has two butts and kills people? A: An assassin

Q: What╞s a more concrete term for butt crack? A: Asphalt.

My friends learned about my butt fetish... Now I╞m in therapy for crack addiction.

Q: What type of math equation do you need to do to wipe your butt? A: Multi-ply

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-5
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
Let's go fishing. . .
https://youtu.be/HR10bEV9uJQ

-= 2 =-
just started reading Agatha Christie's "And Then There Were None" (her favourite of her ouvre); based on the following poem epigraph, that foreshadows the entire novel, one by one. . .

Ten little soldier boys went out to dine; One choked his little self and then there were Nine.

Nine little soldier boys sat up very late; One overslept himself and then there were Eight.

Eight little soldier boys travelling in Devon; One said he╞d stay there and then there were Seven.

Seven little soldier boys chopping up sticks; One chopped himself in halves and then there were Six.

Six little soldier boys playing with a hive; A bumble bee stung one and then there were Five.

Five little soldier boys going in for law; One got into chancery and then there were Four.

Four little soldier boys going out to sea; A red herring swallowed one and then there were Three.

Three little soldier boys walking in the Zoo; A big bear hugged one and then there were Two.

Two little soldier boys sitting in the sun; One got frizzled up and then there was One.

One little soldier boy left all alone; He went and hanged himself

And then there were None.

∙Frank Green, 1869

-= 3 =-
Happy little story tune of the South: https://youtu.be/EJrRwTTqm0o

-= 4 =-
These are great! You╞ll probably remember a bunch of them having seen them live..but it╞s a good refresher!

Remember the ⌠Hollywood Squares÷ afternoon live TV&#65279; show - back in the 50s-
60s. Much humor, no vulgarity, refreshing!!This was a LONG time ago, but somehow still funny.
Even if you don't know who Jackie Gleason was. Hollywood Squares - Those were the days. Hard to believe they did not know the questions beforehand! Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted.

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years... A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that
he is attractive, is it okay to ask him if he's married.
A. Rose Marie: No. Wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. What are: 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the apartment next door.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to
gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow
strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.
A video refresher of the Paul Linde era: https://youtu.be/q1Km6E_0sLg

-= 5 =-
& now for yjr jokers' thoughts:

"Taco Bell announced it will begin selling a potato-rito, which is beef, cheese, potatoes, and chipotle spice wrapped in a tortilla for $1. Or, for the same nutritional value, just eat the dollar." -Seth Meyers

-= 6 =-
Q: How did the Aussie shepherd proppose to his sheila(girlfriend/female sheep)? A: I love ewe. Let me ram my crook into your fold.

-= 7 =-
Advice from the UK:
"Think in the morning.
Act in the noon.
Eat in the evening.
Sleep in the night."
--William Blake

"Bathe twice a day to be really clean, once a day to be passably clean,
once a week to avoid being a public menace."
--Anthony Burgess

"When someone close to you dies, move seats."
--Peter Kay

"Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all."
--Arthur Balfour

"Be wiser than other people, if you can, but do not tell them so."
--Lord Chesterfield

"Most idiots don't lose their privacy, they give it away."
--Chrissie Hynde

"No problem is insoluble, given a big enough plastic bag."
--Tom Stoppard

"My general approach is that you mustn't generalize."
--Harriet Harman

"Moderation is the last refugefor the unimaginative."
--Oscar Wilde [sure sounds like him!]

"For every expert, there is an equal and opposite expert."
--Arthur C. Clarke

"First things first, but not necessarily in that order."
--Dr. Who

"If you are first, you are first. If you are second, you are nothing."
--Bill Shankly

-= 8 =-
The Cyberpope(me!) is NOT "old."

He is a rare, vintage, one-of-a-kind and highly collectible piece of 1960s memorabilia!
## Certified 100% by Vatican North unLtd.

-= 9 =-
Comics (clean) riffing on Canada. . .

https://youtu.be/vEdDzclfePI

-= 10 =-
Made a fool of myself at the pub quiz night. One of the questions was:
µWhere do women have their hair short and curly?╞

Turns out that the correct answer is: Nigeria


--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
O0kau, let's begin with current events. . . Russia has invaded Ukraine, to annex their gas-rich territory. (8sorry -- to keep the world safe from Nazi-ism) Oh, yes, Russia, the promise of the Communist Dream, as it was in the '80s - you remember, right?

A conversation perhaps in later 1985, between Gorbaschev, & a soon-to-be- missing brave/stupid/suicidal man in the crowd:

G: Comrades: I have good news -- if all the potatoes of our crop this year werew to be piled up, they'd reach all the way to Heaven.

m: But, sir, you've taught us (under penalty of death, mind you) that there ain't no Heaven.

G: That's okay, because there ain't no potatoes, neither! *signals to KGB*

Yes, & they want Ukraine to have this 'dream', too. It's called "The Communist Dream," because you have to be asleep to believe it!

-= 2 =-
A little Rowan Atkinson for you, when he's not doing the Bean thing, apparently he's hating on the French neighbours of his country:

We offered kindly to donate them calais, But all they gave us back was the bidet, And now they won't let us go on holiday. That's why i hate the french, mmm,
That's why i hate the french.

They all wear berets and they're all called jacques. They even steal from us the words they lack: "le weekend", "le camping" and "cul-de-sac". That's why i hate the french,&#65279;oh, That's why i hate the french.

They claim their films are the best we've ever had; Well, i suppose emmanuelle wasn't bad. Charles aznavour is always so depressed; Wouldn't you be if "oui, oui" meant "yes"?

Sacha distel has raindrops falling on his head. I wonder if jean-paul sartre knows he is dead? What i resent is that they're so good in bed. That's why i hate the french, oh,
That's why i hate the french.

They bake their bread in such a naughty shape. They brag about their wine and worship the grape. They criticise our food but then they eat crΩpe. That's why i hate the french, oh,
That's why i hate the french.

And now they've started coming here in droves. French cigarettes, french letters and french clothes. I'm sick and tired of eating all this brie And i'll be buggered if i go to gay paris.

They're pretty cocky 'bout their games in the dark. They think with girls they light a special spark But look what the bastards did to joan of arc. That's why i hate the french, oh,
That's why i hate the french, mmm,
That's why i hate the french.

-= 3 =-
Are two year olds REALLY so bad?

L;et's do as the scientists do, & do a twins study; checking in on a neighbour who has identical twins, 15 months old, argying with each other: T1: You're ugly
T2: No, YOU are ugly!
T1: Well, you're uglier!
T2: No way, YOU are the ugliest in the whole world! [continues in the same vein for another ten minutes until mama's teacup goes dry, & she screams, "YOU'RE F*CKING IDENTICAL TWINS, YOU MONSTERS!! NOW SHUT UP AND GET ALONG BEFORE I WRAP BOTH YOUR MOUTHS IN PACKING TAPE!"]

-= 4 =-
Some clean humour from a bygone era: Best lines of W.C. Fields: https://youtu.be/_eafMhqoOvk

-= 5 =-
More clean humour, from a more modern era: "Nothing is Better Than Being Southern" (Killer Beaz full special)
https://youtu.be/qyDbdz7DjLM

Now we head over to Provo, UT for a full show from DryBar comedy(the best YoTube channel for clean good stand-up comedy) Dan Drueter's "The Youngest of 11 Children" https://youtu.be/RlOzW3MX0Lc

-= 6 =-
Much thanks to my AR-Kansas mate, Daryl Stout for this one:

What did Tennessee?? The same thing Arkansas...her name was Mrs. Ippi, and her daughter is Miss Sooree. They came from the breezy airport in central Oklahoma...where the wind comes sweeping down the plane...because the Texas were too big to the south. And, if there's any doubt further northwest, Alaska, and see what she says...but when I asked "Hawaii", she replied "OK". And, that's my stately humor for today.

-= 7 =-
Video Time!
My introduction to Ray Stevens (before I heard "The Streak") Ray Stevens as The Henhouse Five Plus Two "In The Mood"
https://youtu.be/0AvNNMwXH38

Another all-time favourite of mine: "The Scotsman Song" https://youtu.be/MZ35SOU9HTM

-= 8 =-
Just listening to thisright now on the radio; well written, well performed, & punny like I like:

It was April the 41st
Being a quadruple leap year
I was driving through downtown Atlantis My Barracuda was in the shop, so
I was in a rented Stingray
And it was overheating
So I pulled into a Shell station
They said I'd blown a seal
I said, "Fix the damn thing
And leave my private life out of it Okay, pal?"
While they were doing that
I walked over to a place called the Oyster Bar A real dive
But I knew the owner
He used to play for the Dolphins
I said, "Hi, Gil!"
You hafta yell, he's hard of herring Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Wet dream
Gil was also down on his luck
Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water I gullied up to the sandbar He poured the usual
Rusty snail, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred With a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side Heavy on the mako I slipped him a fin, on porpoise
I was feeling good
I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's squids For the halibut Well, the place was crowded
We were packed in like sardines
They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal What sole Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna Salmon Chanted Evening And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers Probably there to see the bass player One of them was this cute little yellowtail And she's giving me the eye
So I figure, this is my chance for a little fun You know -- a piece of Pisces But she said things I just couldn't fathom She was too deep
Seemed to be under a lot of pressure Boy, could she drink
She drank like a... she drank a lot I said, "What's your sign?"
She said, "Aquarium"
I said, "Great! Let's get tanked."
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Wet dream
I invite her up to my place for a little midnight bait I say, "C'mon baby, it'll only take a few minnows" She threw me that same old line
"Not tonight, I got a haddock"
And she wasn't kiddin' either
'Cause in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock
I'd ever seen come down the pike
He was covered with mussels
He came over to me,
He said, "Listen shrimp
Don't you come trolling around here" What a crab
This guy was steamed
I could see the anchor in his eyes
I turned to him
I said, "Abalone! You're just being shellfish" Well, I knew there was going to be trouble And so did Gil
'Cause he was already on the phone to the cods
The haddock hits me with a sucker punch I catch him with a left hook
He eels over
It was a fluke
But there he was, lying on the deck Flat as a mackerel
Kelpless
I said, "Forget the cods, Gil
This guy's gonna need a sturgeon"
Well, the yellowtail was impressed
With the way I landed her boyfriend She came over to me, she said
"Hey big boy, you're really a game fish" "What's your name?"
I said, "Marlin"
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Wet dream
Well from then on, we had a whale of a time I took her to dinner
I took her to dance
I bought her a bouquet of flounders And then I went home with her
And what did I get for my trouble?
A case of the clams
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

Wet dream
Source: Musixmatch
Songwriters: Kip Addotta & Biff Manard

-= 9 =-
Be thankful its not snowing -- can you imagine having to shovel snow in this heat?

-= 10 =-
Some of my favourites to close with:

Jokes performed on A Prairie Home Companion, February 1, 2003 from the Fitzgerald Theater in Saint Paul, Minnesota, our "Sometimes Annual Joke Show."

Performers:


Garrison Keillor, Sue Scott, Tim Russell, Tom Keith, Fred Newman The Guy's All-Star Shoe Band: Richard Dworsky, piano, keyboard, organ; Dale Mendenhall, winds; Pat Donohue, guitar; Gary Raynor, bass; Arnie Kinsella, percussion

Guests:

Outside John and the Sears Catalog
Jeff Lang

The Old Standby:

So these two penguins are standing on an iceberg. One penguin says to the other: You look like you're wearing a tuxedo. The other penguin replies: Who says I'm not?

Ole and Lena jokes:

Did you ever hear about the Norwegian who loved his wife so much he almost told her?

One day, Svend and Ole were hunting and suddenly a man came running out of the bushes, yelling, "Don't shoot! Don't shoot! I'm not a deer!" Ole raised his gun and shot him dead. Svend said, "Ole, why did you shoot that man? He said he wasn't a deer!" And Ole replied, "Oh! I thought he said he was a deer!"

Blonde jokes:

A blonde walks down the street and sees a banana peel ahead, and she says: "Here we go again."

A blonde wanted to buy personalized license plates but she couldn't afford them. So she changed her name to JKM345.

A blonde and her father are walking down a street when the father says, ''Look, a dead bird.'' And the blonde looks up and says, ''Where?''

Third-grader jokes:

How do you fix a broken tuba? With a tuba glue.

Two missionaries were captured by cannibals and they were stuck naked in a big pot of water over a fire and the water got hotter and hotter and suddenly, one guy started laughing, and the other guy says, "What's so funny?" The first guy replied: "I couldn't help it. I just peed in their soup!"

Why did the composer only compose in bed? He was writing sheet music.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? They have the same middle name.

How do you make a dog drink? Put it in a blender.

A pickle walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, you're a pickle! What are you doing here?"
The pickle says, "Well for starters, I'm celebrating the fact that I can walk."

Political jokes:

Hillary Clinton finds out from her doctor that she's pregnant. She is furious. Here she's in her first term as Senator of New York and she calls home, gets Bill on the starts screaming. "How could you have let this happen? You go and get me pregnant! How could you? It is all your fault!!!" she screams. And Bill says, "Who is this?"

What were George W. Bush's three hardest years? Second grade.

Doctors and medicine:

A guy goes into a doctor's office wearing nothing but a piece of cling film around his waist. The doctor says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

This man is walking by an insane asylum and he hears the inmates inside chanting inside "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen--" He is so fascinated that he walks up to the door and puts his eye up the keyhole and somebody pokes him in the eye with a sharp stick and the inmates start changing "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen--"

I woke up this morning and I felt so bad that I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirin. But after the first two, I felt better.

One-liners:

I got an A in philosophy last semester by proving that my professor doesn't exist.

Copy-editing is a very stressful line of work. Every time one of us misses a period, we get really nervous.

So the dyslexic walked into the bra.

Men and Women:

Why does an archeologist make a good husband? Because the older you get, the more interested he is in you.

"Hey. Nice earring. How long have you been wearing an earring?" "Ever since my wife found it in the car."

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse. Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again.

Odds 'n' Ends:

An elephant was walking through the jungle when he saw a turtle sitting on a log. And he said, "Hey, you're the same turtle who bit me 45 years ago." And he kicked the turtle and it flew a hundred feet and bounced off a tree and into the river. And the giraffe said, "Wow, you've got quite a memory" and the elephant said, "I have turtle recall."

Did you hear about the exhibitionist who was going to retire? He changed his mind, and decided to stick it out for one more year.

What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness and a Unitarian: Some one who goes around knocking on doors but isn't sure why.

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. He told the bartender that the newt's name was Tiny. "Why?" asks the bartender. "Because he's my newt!" replied the man.

A man walked out of the bar and got in his car and a policeman came over and said, "Sir, your eyes seem to be bloodshot. Have you been drinking?" The man looked at the police officer and replied, "Officer, your eyes seem to be glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
Here we have a few from a French laguage jokes site, translated, & only included when they translated well as funny in English; these were listed as "adult"

A gynecologist caught Parkinson's disease, but has since made a quick fortune.

A janitor is pregnant. His doctor asks her who the father is. She answers:
- Do you think maybe I have time to
turn around when I clean the stairs?

A guy arrives at the office one morning all beaming and announces to his colleagues:
- Hey, guys, you're all cuckolds!
- And why us? they answer.
- Because last night I slept with my wife!

-= 2 =-
A traveling sales representative returns home at four in the morning. So as not to wake his wife, he undresses before entering the bedroom. He enters quietly.
It was then that he met a man who came out and said to him:
- Good luck, old man. But I advise you to act quickly:
she is expecting her husband at any moment!

-= 3 =-
Jeff Foxworthy's "Redneck Words":

If you've ever been on television more than 5 times Describing what the tornadoes sounded like... You might be a redneck
If you've ever cut your grass and found a car... You might be a redneck
If your dad walks you to school because your in the same grade... You might be a redneck
If you've ever been too drunk to fish... If somebody asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.. If every day somebody comes to your house mistakenly thinking your having a Yard sale
If you've ever had to haul a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend Your sister's honor..
You might be a redneck
If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain... You might be a redneck
They always make fun of the way I talk, I keep telling them I said your gonna be
Real surprised when you get into the habit in St. Petersburg and say "Y'all get into the truck, we goin up to the big house." If you've ever financed a tattoo.... If you've ever made change in the offering plate... You might be a redneck
We have words in the south they don't have in other parts of the country.. Now, you come to the south, we have words like...yu'nt to We goin to the mall, yu'nt to?
What letter does that start with, does anybody know? I like this word alot...aight
That's a word in Texas...aight
Round lunch time every day, you'll hear somebody say "hey jeet yet, naw, dju? Yu'nt to? Aight." If you go to the family reunion to meet women.... If you smoked during your wedding.... You might be a redneck
And last but not least
If you see a sign that says say no to crack And it reminds you to pull your jeans up... You might be a redneck

-= 4 =-
ET YOUR VEGETABLES!
Q: What is the strongest vegetable? A: A muscle sprout!

Q: Why did the Tomato take a prune to the movies? A: Hecouldn't find a date.

Q: What vegetable is off-limit to Vegans? A: a ZOO-chini.

Q: When do potatoes argue?
A: When they can't see eye to eye.

Q: Why did the tomato get embarrassed and turn red? A: it saw the chick pea.

Q: How do you grow a chicken in your garden? A: Plant an eggplant

Q: What is small, red, & whispers?
A: a hoarse radish

Q: Why do fungi have to pay double fares? A: They take up too mushroom.

Q: Which vegetables did Noah not take on the Ark? A: Leeks

Q: How do you fix a broken vine fruit? A: Tomato Paste

-= 5 =-
1. Doctor, doctor! I think I'm a bell? Go home and take these and if you're not better soon, give me a ring.

2. Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pack of cards. I'll deal with you in a minute!

3. Doctor, doctor! I've swallowed my pocket money! Take this and we'll see if there's any change.

4. Doctor doctor! I think I'm a shepherd. I wouldn't lose any sheep over it.

5. Doctor, doctor! I feel like a carrot. Don't get yourself in a stew.

6. Doctor doctor! I think I'm at death's door? Don't worry, we'll soon pull you through

7. Doctor, doctor! Do you have something for a headache? Yes, try this hammer.

8. Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of wigwams! Ah yes, the issue is you've become too tense.

9. Doctor, doctor! I get heartburn whenever I eat birthday cake. Next time take the candles off!

-= 6 =-
Ray Romano, famous for his sitcom: "Everruybody Loves Ratymond" & his own stand up career. This is a story of his twin boys when they were still 'babies:' https://www.liveone.com/song/ray-romano/the-tub-story

-= 7 =-
corporate America's anthem?
⌠Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies,
insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.÷
--George Carlin

-= 8 =-
Driver Math:
Q: What do you get when you cross 1 Cadillac with 1 train? A: 1 widow + 4 orphans - 1 idiot

-= 9 =-
Quotables:

"Wal-Mart is testing out an app that would allow shoppers to skip the checkout line. Currently that service is known as shoplifting." -Conan O'Brien

"Brace yourself, because Kraft has announced that they've gone natural. I first assumed that natural meant they were doing their products in the buff. But they mean they have removed all artificial preservatives, flavors, and dyes from their classic Mac and Cheese recipe. I don't get it. I was not aware, first of all, that a packet of orange dust was a technically a recipe." -Stephen Colbert

-= 10 =-
The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon.

During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.

Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial. Asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

After the pastor asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him And the little boy said, "I'm not sure, but I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

-= 2 =-
QUOTABLES:

"A balloon released by a girl in Texas was found this week over 900 miles away in Ohio. Or, more likely, Ohio also has red balloons." -Seth Meyers

"After residents in Birmingham complained about the terrible smell, New York City has agreed to stop sending railcars full of the city's excess sewage to a landfill in Alabama. Yeah, train cars filled with human waste and an unbearable smell--or, as that's called in New York, the subway." -James Corden

"Every appliance with a clock should have a Daylight Savings button to push. You'd only use it twice a year, but that's more than I use the 'Potato' button on my microwave." -Jimmy Kimmel

"The new Florida weapons bill would allow librarians to arm themselves. Now, in a related story, talking in Florida libraries is down 99 percent." -Conan O'Brien

"This week in England, a worker at a factory that makes Coca-Cola cans was caught urinating into the cans. But Coke quickly dealt with the situation by putting a Mountain Dew label on it." -Jimmy Fallon

-= 3 =-
This morning I was sitting on a bench next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until Last week, I still had it all! All my meals were prepared for me, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school."

I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"No, nothing like that," he said. "I got out of prison."

-= 4 =-
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."

-= 5 =-
"If you clean the receipts out of your purse or wallet and stack them all together, it makes a tiny book about why you're broke."

-= 6 =-
While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn't help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, "Now remember, hug Daddy first, then the dog."

-= 7 =-
Caller: 'Hi, can you connect me with Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of your user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'

-= 8 =-
I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin.

Having plenty of experience with getting out feed stains, I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?"

"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!"

-= 9 =-
Two hunters were relaxing in their lodge, making small talk.

One of them asked, "So, what do you hunt?"

"Unicorns," came the surprising answer.

Startled, the first hunter gasped, "Really? How do the hell do you do that?"

"Well, I find a virgin and hire her to help me. They're the only thing that attracts unicorns. I have her wait in the woods until a unicorn comes up to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."

The first hunter sighed, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of 'em, but I've never seen one."

The second hunter said, "Yeah, and there ain't many unicorns either."

-= 10 =-
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty his pockets of nickels, dimes, and quarters.

Finally his mother asked the obvious question: "Where did you get all that money?"

"At Sunday school," the boy replied enthusiastically. "They got bowls of it!"

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by
yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I
won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancellation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the
legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man
chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about
you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come and
the other time he fell asleep."

-= 2 =-
Ever have a day like this?

"What the hell, Bob?! Why are you half naked on the golf course?"

"& shoving your undershirt into a hole in the ground?"

"Well, Jim, you told me to start by sticking my tee into the ground."

-= 3 =-
When I was younger, porn cost money and water was free.

What happened?

-= 4 =-
I have learned from cows, hippos, and elephants that it is impossible to reduce weight by
eating green grass, salads, and walking.

-= 5 =-
Honestly, I was so thirsty halfway through the night that I nearly choked on my husband's
teeth.

-= 6 =-
Her: I wish I was my rich neighbour's daughter.

Genie: You still have three wishes.

Her: ...

Genie: ...

-= 7 =-
I've been on Facebook for 16 years. I can remember when it was all farmland.

-= 8 =-
Cut flowers is Botanical Castration

-= 9 =-
Q: Why did the bookseller keep "Twilight" in the children's section? A: Because he'd already exceeded smoke emission maximums for his fireplace

-= 10 =-
`# Thank you, ICE-Man, for this one; #~

Politicians talk to the country the way men talk to women. They say, "Trust me, go all the way
with me, and everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in
trouble.

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
~# from the world-famous ICE-Man: #~

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix . He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean. One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition.
'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons
without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions, or you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question.' The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.. The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky. All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon. The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city. The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question. The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question. Do you think
the Mayor is going to ask how the blue pigeon led all the pigeons away?
Do you think
the Mayor is going to ask where all the pigeons went? Do you think
He is going to ask where the man got the blue pigeon? Nooooooo!
This will get a smile out of you!
The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"

-= 2 =-
Also from ~# ICEMan @~

Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

-= 3 =-
Q: What is the slowest & most painful way to die? A: Life.

-= 4 =-
Little bit of edgy today, for those who prefer their humour just SLIGHTLY on the blue side:

Q: Why are 0 and 1 the only numbers with genders? A: All the others are non-binary

My new favourite:
Q: What do you get when cross a gun with the female pudenda? A: A re-vulva

In the UK "tuppence" refers to a small amount of money and is shorthand for a woman's pussy. In the US Trump-Pence involves a lot of money and describes a pair of d*cks. (Mr. Nixon must be proud)

-= 5 =-
At a Long Island house party, a chap invited an attractive girl to go fishing with him on the Sound. After an hour without any luck, he asked, "Do you think we ought to try chumming?"
His companion, a novice at fishing, looked toward the house on the distant shore, then replied, "We might as well. They can't see us from there."
--John C. Miller
RD Issue: July 1957

-= 6 =-
King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.

-= 7 =-
Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check, but the mirror wasn't working.

-= 8 =-
In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night. This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.

-= 9 =-
Accidentally drunk a bottle of invisible ink.

I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.

-= 10 =-
I╞ve just joined a dating group for arsonists.

It╞s great; they send me new matches every day.

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"

Directed by Jose' Jalapeno on a stick. <G>

Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a
small Sierra-Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time. One day the operator summed up nerve enough to ask him why the regularity. "I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every
day I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time." The operator giggled, "That's really funny," she said. "All this time we've been setting our clock by your whistle.

Time is of the essence. <G>

Q: What is the slowest & most painful way to die? A: Life.

Life a fatally transmitted disease.

Q: Why are 0 and 1 the only numbers with genders? A: All the others are non-binary

Your punny days are numbered.

My new favourite:
Q: What do you get when cross a gun with the female pudenda? A: A
re-vulva

Never mind starting from scratch. :P

In the UK "tuppence" refers to a small amount of money and is shorthand for a woman's pussy. In the US Trump-Pence involves a lot of money and describes a pair of d*cks. (Mr. Nixon must be proud)

I tell you what.

-= 5 =-
At a Long Island house party, a chap invited an attractive girl to go fishing with him on the Sound. After an hour without any luck, he
asked, "Do you think we ought to try chumming?" His companion, a novice
at fishing, looked toward the house on the distant shore, then replied, "We might as well. They can't see us from there." --John C. Miller
RD Issue: July 1957

Really.

-= 6 =-
King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth
did.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.

Check, mate. <G>

-= 7 =-
Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check,
but the mirror wasn't working.

Must've been made by ACME.

-= 8 =-
In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding
at night. This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.

Then, the fireflies took it and minaturized it.

-= 9 =-
Accidentally drunk a bottle of invisible ink.

I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.

It may take awhile either way.

-= 10 =-
I've just joined a dating group for arsonists.

It's great; they send me new matches every day.

Now, we know who's hot stuff.

Daryl

... "Calvin, we will NOT have an anatomically correct snowman!" -Calvin's Mom === MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

Q: What is the slowest & most painful way to die? A: Life.

Life a fatally transmitted disease.

Life is a lethal STD.

Q: Why are 0 and 1 the only numbers with genders? A: All the others are
non-binary

Your punny days are numbered.

So the Good Book says.

My new favourite:
Q: What do you get when cross a gun with the female pudenda? A: A
re-vulva

Never mind starting from scratch. :P

Before the revulva, you had to STUFF IT before you could fire.

In the UK "tuppence" refers to a small amount of money and is shorthand
for a woman's pussy. In the US Trump-Pence involves a lot of money and
describes a pair of d*cks. (Mr. Nixon must be proud)

I tell you what.

Yankee: What?
Southerner: I just TOLD you.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one
space at a time.

Check, mate. <G>

He has a checkered past, some say.

-= 7 =-
Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check,
but the mirror wasn't working.

Must've been made by ACME.

Did they have Acme in the days of Vlad?

-= 8 =-
In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding
at night. This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.

Then, the fireflies took it and minaturized it.

Damned Japanese bugs!

-= 9 =-
Accidentally drunk a bottle of invisible ink.
I'm now in hospital waiting to be seen.

It may take awhile either way.

The doctor showed up & told the nurse, "I can't see him today."

-= 10 =-
I've just joined a dating group for arsonists.
It's great; they send me new matches every day.

Now, we know who's hot stuff.

I always knew -- before vampirism messed up my mirrors!

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

Life is a lethal STD.

I prefer the acronym of "stubborn, temperamental, dog"...especially
if it relates to dachshunds. <G>

So the Good Book says.

None of us is getting out of here alive...just ask the morticians.

Before the revulva, you had to STUFF IT before you could fire.

Making sure the weapon is cocked, I'm sure. <eg>

Yankee: What?
Southerner: I just TOLD you.

Southern DOS? Ya'll Reckon?? Yep/Nope.

He has a checkered past, some say.

It would seem so. I did better at checkers than at chess...
although the checkers doors on the BBS are smarter than me.

Did they have Acme in the days of Vlad?

Ask Wile E. Coyote about that.

Damned Japanese bugs!

It's just hard to change their bulbs when they burn out.

The doctor showed up & told the nurse, "I can't see him today."

He doesn't have a lot of patience.

I always knew -- before vampirism messed up my mirrors!

If you don't believe in laughing, go look in the mirror, and see
what everyone else has been laughing at -- Jerry Clower

Daryl

... What color is a chameleon in a mirror??
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancelation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
Two for the skin doctors:

Asked the dermatologist if it's possible to transplant hairy donkey skin onto a human's head? Ass skin for a friend. . .

Q: What's a dermatologist's favourite legwear? A: SKINny jeans

-= 2 =-
Q: What has 10 eyes, 10 ears, 10 legs, 10 arms and 10 teeth? A: 5 meth addicts

-= 3 =-
During breakfast, my wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with twitter.

I nearly choked on my #brown.

-= 4 =-
My body's just ran out of magnesium.

0mg!

-= 5 =-
~# via J. Harris, in Fidonet's FUNNY #~

"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I owned my own house." --Gene Perret, Classic One-Liners RD Issue: June 1997

-= 6 =-
Q: What's black and white, and red all over?

A: a sunburnt nun with a newspaper, riding a blushing zebra.

-= 7 =-
A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!

The man replied, Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!

-= 8 =-
Two from Quora's "Jokes, Humour & Funny stories [lack of Oxford comma SIC]

I was driving drunk last week and ran over a pig, I told my mate and he said not to worry about it, he said shit happens, I said ⌠Oh, that╞s cool, now what shall I do with his motorbike?÷

My neighbour said to his wife, ⌠These crab paste sandwiches just don╞t taste right, where did you get the crab paste?÷ And she said, ⌠From the chemist÷ ("from the pharmacy" elsewhere in the world)

-= 9 =-
Do you have ARADD (Age-Related Attention Deficit Disorder) like this guy?

I needed to do the laundry,

but then I realized I was out of detergent,

so I went to write a shopping list and realized how unorganized the junk drawer was,

and started checking pens for ink.

When I went to toss all the junk,

I saw that the trash was full but before I took it out I wanted to get rid of old food in the fridge.

That's when I realized a juice jug had leaked so I needed to clean it up but when I went to grab a rag,

I saw that the pantry closet was a nightmare so I started organizing it.

And that's how I ended up on the floor looking at my old photo albums from 1990's and not doing laundry.

-= 10 =-
Q: What language does Santa Claus speak? A: Polish (as in North Polish)

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

If you don't believe in laughing, go look in the mirror, and see
what everyone else has been laughing at -- Jerry Clower

If 1 person calls you an ass, ignore him; if 2 call you one, laugh it off; if 3 call you one, check in the mirror for donkey ears.

If 1 person says you have no sense of humour, ignore them If 2 say you don't, laugh it off.
If you can't laugh it off, then they're right.

... What color is a chameleon in a mirror??

[true answer]
It'll depend on the temperature of the mirror -- recent research suggests it's not the colour itself they adapt to, but the underlying colour.

Q: What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colours? A: a reptile dysfunction

A chameleon stole an apple once.
It was caught red handed.

You'd never find me wearing a chameleon costume.

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling some really excellent jokes. I turned to the local tribesman and said "that lizard is really funny!" The tribesman replied "that's not a lizard... he's a stand up chameleon"

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

If 1 person calls you an ass, ignore him; if 2 call you one, laugh it
off; if 3 call you one, check in the mirror for donkey ears.

Especially if when you sneeze, you go "Hee Haw". <G>

If 1 person says you have no sense of humour, ignore them If 2 say you don't, laugh it off. If you can't laugh it off, then they're right.

As Roger Rabbit said "If you don't have a sense of humor, you're better
off dead".

Q: What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colours? A: a
reptile dysfunction

That was what the alligator had when he couldn't chase and catch his
prey as fast as he used to.

A chameleon stole an apple once.
It was caught red handed.

But, did the apple change color.

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling
some really excellent jokes. I turned to the local tribesman and said "that lizard is really funny!" The tribesman replied "that's not a lizard... he's a stand up chameleon"

I'll bet his jokes were really colorful.

Daryl

... Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

George,

Asked the dermatologist if it's possible to transplant hairy donkey
skin onto a human's head? Ass skin for a friend. . .

If his fanny is fantastic in what it does, does he have a smart ass??

Q: What's a dermatologist's favourite legwear? A: SKINny jeans

I'm trans-slender...I identify as skinny.

My body's just ran out of magnesium.

0mg!

Go for vitamitavegamin - Lucille Ball's tonic. <G>

"We used to play spin the bottle when I was a kid. A girl would spin
the bottle, and if the bottle pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a nickel. By the time I was 14, I
owned my own house." --Gene Perret, Classic One-Liners RD Issue: June
1997

They probably do more than kiss now. :P

Q: What's black and white, and red all over?

A: a sunburnt nun with a newspaper, riding a blushing zebra.

That covers it. Would instructions for a hanging be known as noose
paper??

The man replied, Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!

That'll teach him a lesson!!

I was driving drunk last week and ran over a pig, I told my mate and he said not to worry about it, he said shit happens, I said "Oh, that's cool, now what shall I do with his motorbike?"

I said to a co-worker once "Feces Occurs". She looked at me with the
deer in the headlights look. When I "translated it", she howled with
laughter, and said "I'm going to tell my sister". <G> The next day, I
asked her if there was the same reaction...she grinned, "Yep". :)

Daryl

... I was up all night wondering where the sun went, but then it dawned on me. === MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

A chameleon stole an apple once.
It was caught red handed.

But, did the apple change color.

Why? The chameleon changed to match the red apple's colour. . .

I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling
some really excellent jokes. I turned to the local tribesman and said
"that lizard is really funny!" The tribesman replied "that's not a
lizard... he's a stand up chameleon"

I'll bet his jokes were really colorful.

But not off-colour. . .

Q: What's brown & sounds like a bell? A: Dung.

Q: What's green & smells like red paint? A: Green paint.

Q: Why is it spelled "Color" in the US but "Colour" in Britain? A: Because after the revolutionary war, the freed United States told Britain defiantly, "We're getting rid of you".

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

I said to a co-worker once "Feces Occurs". She looked at me with the
deer in the headlights look. When I "translated it", she howled with laughter, and said "I'm going to tell my sister". <G> The next day, I
asked her if there was the same reaction...she grinned, "Yep". :)

I love when my jokes or puns get secondary life. . .

I'm a stinker; if asked to translate I'd likely have said, "Manure takes place" & keep on coming up with a new pair of synonyms until they clue in, or as is more usual, someone else gives it away! *at which I say, "Dammit, I could've got 3 more in before she got it!"

I tend to always bushwhack when asked to translate my punny euphemisms, like, on hearing a bad person has left town, I'll say, "G.F.R." & translate it to just "Good riddance."

This way they can't get offended, because only they supply the so-called offensive element.

& when I tel one of these stuck up prigs to "get bent" & they are dumb enough to ask what that means, I say, "Imagine you don't just look & act like a hippo or rhino, but you smell like one in heat, & a male of the species is running towards you, & you have a wardrobe malfunction & are standing there, bent, with no clothes on. . . This is my thinking when I tell you to get bent. It's my new "Happy Place," picturing that scene.


--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

But, did the apple change color.

Why? The chameleon changed to match the red apple's colour. . .

Plus, he was seeing red.

I'll bet his jokes were really colorful.

But not off-colour. . .

Q: What's brown & sounds like a bell? A: Dung.

That one stinks.

Q: What's green & smells like red paint? A: Green paint.

Substitute your favorite color...but, there's not one for plaid. :P
When I worked in silkscreen printing, we had a color chart that had to
be replaced yearly, as the fluorescent lights would discolor it. It was
known as a Pantone Matching System chart...a colorful version of PMS. :P

Q: Why is it spelled "Color" in the US but "Colour" in Britain? A:
Because after the revolutionary war, the freed United States told
Britain defiantly, "We're getting rid of you".

They talk and spell funny compared to the US. <G>

Daryl

... JavaScript: Instructions on how to make a pot of coffee.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

Q: What's green & smells like red paint? A: Green paint.

Substitute your favorite color...but, there's not one for plaid. :P
When I worked in silkscreen printing, we had a color chart that had to
be replaced yearly, as the fluorescent lights would discolor it. It was
known as a Pantone Matching System chart...a colorful version of PMS. :P

Not So useful a colour-matching chart when it no longer was the colour it was supposed to represent, eh?

They still use the Pantone charts, in some paint stores -- I guess it was a useful & enduring creation -- although I might trust a computer image better, as it won't discolour over time. . .

Q: Why is it spelled "Color" in the US but "Colour" in Britain? A:
Because after the revolutionary war, the freed United States told
Britain defiantly, "We're getting rid of you".

They talk and spell funny compared to the US. <G>

Umm, yeah, they somehow, prior to to the existence of the US, botched the language?

I like the meme that plays on the oft-seen Chinese translation: "Simplified / Traditional" by saying:
English:
Traditional (UK flag)
Simplified (US Flag)

Canada is a funny one; we spell UK, bit pronounce US.

Australia has their own words; whatever looks right after 8 pints of warm pissy tasting beer is valid & defend to their death anyone's disagreement of your rendition.

Irish English is what you get after getting hammered on Guinness Stout then getting into a dozen bar fights

Fitzhenry & Fitzpatrick were in court, answering to charges of fighting in a local pub.

The judge asked Fitzpatrick what instigated the fight & he answered, "Well, your honour, he had a broken beer bottle in his left hand, & a knife in his right."

"& what did you have yin your hand?" asked hizzonner

"Mrs. Fitzhenry's tit, & a fine thing it was sir, but not much good in a fight, I'll tell ya."

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)

George,

Not So useful a colour-matching chart when it no longer was the colour
it was supposed to represent, eh?

The fluorescent lights caused the colors to fade.

They still use the Pantone charts, in some paint stores -- I guess it
was a useful & enduring creation -- although I might trust a computer image better, as it won't discolour over time. . .

That is true.

Umm, yeah, they somehow, prior to to the existence of the US, botched
the language?

Pardon me, I speak doofus. <G>

Canada is a funny one; we spell UK, bit pronounce US.

One letter does make the difference.

Australia has their own words; whatever looks right after 8 pints of
warm pissy tasting beer is valid & defend to their death anyone's disagreement of your rendition.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion. <G>

Irish English is what you get after getting hammered on Guinness Stout then getting into a dozen bar fights

When someone talked about the Grinch messing with the Christmas gifts on
a ham radio net last night, I growled "I resemble that remark". I said that
I sent Santa a letter saying "Define Naughty"...he's skipping my place. <G>

Fitzhenry & Fitzpatrick were in court, answering to charges of fighting
in a local pub.

The judge asked Fitzpatrick what instigated the fight & he answered, "Well, your honour, he had a broken beer bottle in his left hand, & a knife in his right."

"& what did you have yin your hand?" asked hizzonner

"Mrs. Fitzhenry's tit, & a fine thing it was sir, but not much good in
a fight, I'll tell ya."

Thanks for the mammaries, it was the breast of times, for a titilating experience, just to get the booby prize, bra none. <G>

It's Monday...time to be in a nether mood. <G>

Daryl

... Bad Day: You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better.
=== MultiMail/Win v0.52
--- SBBSecho 3.15-Win32
* Origin: The Thunderbolt BBS - Little Rock, Arkansas (1:2320/33)

Welcome to another edition of the Metric Dozen Punnies & Funnies, personally curated by
yours truly, the Cyberpope, Bishop of ROM.

Please do comment as to which you loved & which you hated. . .

Also, at any time, let me know if you're done with receiving these. Because you're a mate, I
won't even charge you my usual $19.00 cancellation fee! ;)

-= 1 =-
Q: What was the mathematical acorn's first word, twenty years after falling from his parent?
A: Geometry ("Gee, I'm a tree!")

-= 2 =-
Funny clean comic; he hits the points just right -- beautiful timing throughout "I am an Idiot" -- Ken Davis full show https://youtu.be/PP-NdFvRBEI

-= 3 =-
Redd Foxx on why he likes women over the age of 40: They don't yell, they don't tell, they don't swell, & they're grateful as hell.

-= 4 =-
Some ethnic jokes reworded
Shout out to Prime Minister Justin True-Dope of Canada Q: Did you hear about the politician Santa Claus? A: He showed up for Easter!
Q: How many politicians do you need to shingle your roof? A: Just 9, if you slice them real thin
& just one more. . .
An Irishman, an Italian and a politician are on death row, awaiting electrocution.
The warden takes the first man, and asks him if he has any last words.
He says, 'I'm
innocent. Perhaps years from now, evidence will show I"m telling the truth'.
The warden says, 'Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what they all say. I was
hoping you would say
something so that the family of the man that you killed, would have some closure'.
They strap the Irishman into the chair, and the warden tells them to
throw the switch.
Nothing happens. The executioner wiggles the handle, throws the switch
again, nothing.
The warden comes down, and says, 'That was a million to one chance; but,
you know the
rules, you survived the execution, so you will now go free'.
The Irishman is ecstatic, gets up shakes the warden's hand, and says,
'See, I told you! God
has saved me because I'm innocent! I will dedicate the rest of my life, to helping spread the
word of god, I will only do good works from now on Thank you, sir, I'm very lucky to have had
this second chance in life'.
Then they walk the Italian in; again the warden asks if he has any final words.
The Italian says, 'I'm an innocent; yoosa making a big mistake'.
The warden shakes it off, and says, 'Yeah, I've heard that one
before'.
They strap him into the chair, and throw the switch. Again, nothing,
again and again.
The warden comes in, and says, 'This is amazing; this the second time in
a row that this has
happened; it has to be a billion to one chance. It must be a sign from god that you're telling
the truth. I'm sorry I doubted you. You may go free'.
The Italian gets up, joyful, tear in his eyes, and says, 'Thanka you
thanka you thanka you!
I'a wasa so ascared, anda yet, chance hasa smiled ona me! He gets up and leaves.
Then they bring in the politician. The warden again asks, 'Do you have
any final words?'
The politician says, 'Yes. But first, look, that chair is unplugged'.

-= 5 =-
Got my sister's whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.

Sisters kids: Who? WHO?

Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!

cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each
other

Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad

Me: I'm a faux pas.

-= 6 =-
A Cyberpope original:

Q: What's a duck's favourite actor? A: AFFLECK!

-= 7 =-
Q: What's the difference between coffee and urine? A: About 35 minutes

-= 8 =-
Responding to a Christian spouse that says, during an argument, "Let he who is without sin
cast the first stone."

Then you say, "Jesus is my Lord and I am SANCTIFIED!" as you crack them across the head
with a 2-pound rock!

-= 9 =-
"A lot of sh** went between them; they were apart for a long time, but now they are back
together."
"Who, Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston?"
"Nope, my butt cheeks."

-= 10 =-
Saw these ladies on Montreal's Just for Laughs this week & rather liked the tune & the silly
funniness of the traditional English poem set to folk-y music: https://genius.com/Flo-and-joan-lady-in-the-woods-live-lyrics
(scroll to bottom to find vid link or go to the YouTube vid: https://youtu.be/_EzdloMKkDg

--- BBBS/Li6 v4.10 Toy-6
* Origin: The Rusty MailBox - Penticton, BC Canada (1:153/757)